Amid a flurry of sexual abuse allegations, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell has been accused by a number of turtles, tortoises and terrapins of sexual misconduct. As of today McConnell denies the allegations. “These allegations are false,” he told reporters. “Every relationship I have ever had with a turtle was strictly professional, or with their consent.”
However, several turtles have rejected that claim. “He was always trying to get into my shell,” said one terrapin, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “He’d talk about my shell, the shape of my plates, and especially the pygal.”
A tortoise who had previously worked behind the scenes with McConnell in the House, alleges that he physically assaulted her. “We were going over some legislation in his office,” she said, “when he suddenly climbed onto the back of my shell and whispered ‘tax cuts for the rich’. I almost threw up in my snapper.”
Minority leader Nancy Pelosi joined other democrats in calling for an investigation. “If these allegations are true,” she said, “he should resign immediately.” When asked if she believed the Majority leader or the turtles, she replied, “I believe the turtles, yes.”
Early this morning president Trump injected himself into the matter. “This is just another political hit job by the loser democrats,” tweeted the president. “I’ve been with hundreds of turtles and every one of them liked it. If they say they didn’t they’re lying.”
Other accusers have requested to remain anonymous…
UPDATE! Shocking photo leaked to press!! (Warning: viewer discretion is advised)
McConnell has not returned our requests for further comment.
In perhaps her most stunning show of support to date, former Secretary of State and Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton drew dozens of supporters into a packed hotel room at the Four Seasons in Manhattan, NY.
Although many of those who attended were media pundits, Wall Street CEOs and corporate lobbyists, at least one third were actual people who supported her positions on fracking, trade, private prisons and regime change.
Madam Prissy Duffwhite, heiress to the throne of Yorkshire, said, “She is clearly the most lavish and sophisticated of the lot.” (Although the heiress cannot legally vote in the U.S. her political connections are well established)
And even blue collar workers attended the gala, including Joan Krawferd, a 67 year old secretary for the law firm of Covington & Burling, in Washington, D.C., who said, “I just want to keep my job.”
While the media snapped photos, makeup and lighting crews worked overtime to present Hillary Clinton as a human being before she spoke about income inequality and the need for the media to do more about dismissing it. “It’s time for the (ruling elite) to quash this movement once and for all,” she said, including, “England’s monarchs never had to work this hard.”
OK, so now everybody’s talking about me and Pope Francis. He insults me. He says I’m not Christian. What can I say? He’s all talk, no action. And you know this talk is coming from special interests. You don’t think he has special interests? I have no special interests. The fact is, the pope is just not smart, he’s a bad negotiator. He’s a low energy pope. A total lightweight. He wears his bathrobe to get the newspaper in the morning. How does that look to the world? It’s embarrassing.
So look, I’m just gonna come right out and say it: I’d be a great pope, I’d be a much better pope than Pope Francis. A poll just came out and it says that I’m tied with him, I’m tied with the pope. How can I be tied with this guy? He’s weak on immigration, he’s weak on jobs. He’s a loser. In the private sector he couldn’t even get a job. I mean, who would hire him? What does he do really? He wears a robe around everywhere. That’s not effective, that’s just lazy. He’s a lazy pope. If I don’t become president, I’m going to run for pope. I’d build a bigger, and better wall around Vatican City. There won’t be any illegal immigrants in my castle… or whatever they call the pope’s house. No pope will be as great as me. I will be… the greatest Pope the world has ever seen. And tell you something else, I’ll build a Vatican casino in there, and it will be huge. Yuge. Very profitable. Look at all the pontiffs walking around there now; they’ve got nothing to do, and they’re rich. They’ve got gold, they’ve got jewels, and nowhere to spend it. So there’s going to be gambling, and it’s going to be great. We’re going to make the Vatican great again.
So picture this: The Trump Vatican Hotel & Casino… right? Am I right or what? It will be great. We’re going to use all the best people, and we’re going to make, the Vatican, great again!
Despite widespread reports of the death of Osama Bin Laden, eye witnesses report that the Al Qaeda leader is, in fact, working as head fry chef at McDonald’s Baghdad. According to sources close to the Jihad leader, despite his radical extremism, he has always retained a long-lived passion for fast food. Although far from Kosher—and certainly not Halal—this may just reflects the enigmatic nature of Bin Laden.
Previously President Obama refused to comment on whether Bin Laden did or did not have a relationship with Burger King between 1992 and 1995, but later conceded that special forces and CIA officials observed him eating a Whopper in Paris, France via satellite in 1991. Sources confirm that regardless of whether the beef was Halal, is was indeed confirmed to be genetically modified. Whether or not this fact will affect the martyr’s afterlife is open for debate.
We are being bombarded by it; the horrible possibility of a government shutdown if the Dems and Reps don’t come to an agreement soon. Horse-puckey! Just another technique by the power elite to scare the public into accepting another attack on public services for the sake of the rich. Republicans claim tax breaks for billionaires are necessary because they create jobs, but the only jobs they are creating are overseas.
The Dems and Reps are two sides of the same coin: Reps slash programs that benefit people like seniors, the disabled and education, while the Dems cry foul but do nothing about it. For decades the Dems have been accused of being spineless—and with good reason—but the real reason is to facilitate the power elite agenda under the guise of making an effort in the *two party* system. This is why the “negotiations” are always behind closed doors. Fascinating how these public servants can’t let the actual public know what they’re really saying, that would be unfair to the snakes in office, and they make the rules, after all.
There will be no government shutdown, it’s a hoax. At the last minute, Obama will agree to the majority of the Republican agenda for the same reason he did before: it’s the same agenda of the power elite, you know, those who put him in office. Sure, lots of people *voted* for him, but make no mistake: he wouldn’t have been on a ticket if he didn’t make a deal with GE, Goldman Sachs, JP Morgan and Citibank, not to mention Big Oil and the military industrial complex. Funny how no one mentions cutting military spending while we spend ten times more than anyone else.
The government won’t shut down because the government makes the power elite their money by staying open for business. I’d love to see a government shutdown, just like I would love to see those banks *fail*, but it will never happen. Here’s a scenario that exemplifies why the government won’t shutdown: You own a business selling widgets, and the widgets are bought using public funds. You are in charge of deciding how many widgets are to be provided, and also how much funds will be made available for the purchasing of the widgets. Not a business too big to fail, just a *business* that cannot fail!
In response to an overwhelming majority of Republicans being elected to the House of Representatives, the next speaker of the house John A. Boehner gave a speech so vague and lackluster that it was forgotten before it ended. He did say, however, that he would be doing “the will of the American people” and added the phrase, “the American people” more times in a single speech than any other speaker before him.
Opening with, “Across the country right now, we are witnessing a repudiation of Washington, a repudiation of big government and a repudiation of politicians who refuse to listen to the American people.” Boehner went on to say, “it’s clear tonight who the winners really are, and that’s the American people…For far too long Washington’s been doing what’s best for Washington, not what’s best for the American people.”
Afterward he dodged questions from the press by repeating “the American people” so often that it was hard to know if he said anything else. He also mentioned the American people.
“The American people spoke and I think it’s pretty clear that the Obama / Pelosi agenda is being rejected by the American people,” Boehner said, adding, “What unites us as Republicans will be the agenda of the American people. And if we are listening to the American people, I don’t see any problems incorporating members of the Tea Party…”
Dodging another question, Boehner said, “We’re humbled by the trust that the American people have placed in us, and as I said last night, our now job is to listen to the people and follow the will of the American people.”
By the time Boehner said, “It’s pretty clear the American people want us to do something…” followed by nothing in particular, it seemed clear that he had no idea what the American people actually do want.
If using Sarah Palin as a political tool to woo Hillary supporters wasn’t bad enough, consider the actual ramifications if Senator McSleepy actually gets into office: a 40% chance of a Palin presidency. OUCH! I never thought I’d be saying this but… bring Hillary back! She can run as an Independent (and why don’t we have three political candidates anyway? Oh yeah, —harder to rig).
Maybe I should look on the bright side. Sarah Palin —if elected— will be the first VP who 90% of men (and perhaps 12% of women) want to sleep with. It might also usher an era of U.S. history books with pop-up pages. At least some high-schoolers will pass that chapter, if she doesn’t ban the books first, that is. And that’s the problem with Palin: no matter how many times you start out on the bright side, her record keeps dimming the lights. Studies suggest that only a third of the adult population have the ability to REASON. (The last paragraph summarizes the conclusion). When I first read that article I was shocked, but now soooo many things make sense in the world.
So we’re dummies, and yes, politicians lie, and yes, 2/3 of us believe them EVEN WHEN CONTRARY EVIDENCE IS PROVIDED. Meaning, if McCain stands there and tells the camera that he’s for REGULATION when his entire voting record has been about DE-regulation, the odds are still good that we’ll buy it. No wonder Bush keeps that 28% approval rating (the third that are clueless)! Which means a third of the country will be with McCain REGARDLESS if he goes batty and starts pressing red buttons. Maybe it’s OK though, —a third of us still have the ability to reason. I’m imagining it’s us “reader-types” but I’m sure there’s some goat-herders out there who get it too.
So if a third of Americans are clueless and a third “get it”, the battleground is clearly taking place among the final third of the population: the confused. And what better than a hot-lipped hockey mom with a naughty-librarian look, to distract men from the real issues? The likelihood of a Palin presidency is causing even Republicans to quiver, raising the question: Are we really going the way of the Romans? Hopefully by election day, American women will see through this ploy and save us from, err… ourselves?