Llama Poo, by Pretty Poo


Antenna Wilde welcomes special guest blogger, Pretty Poo, from Myspace.com

11/20/09

Llama Poo
by Pretty poo

Let me tell you something about Llama poo, like, something that you probably don’t know. It totally stinks! Llamas have smelly, scruffy brown hair, like a dusty old floor mat, one of those dirty tan hemp mats. BTW, have you ever flipped over a hemp floor mat? Nothing but dirt and dust!
But ANYWAY, llama poo is the worst smelling poo I’ve ever known, and believe me, The Poo knows her poop!

I was house sitting for this crazy old animal talker. That’s someone who talks psychically with animals,—or so she tells people. (But people DO talk psychic with animals, I talk to my cat all the time, and she listens! I say, “Here Sheeba here” (in my mind) and she’ll prance over, then up onto my lap, “Yeay Sheeba!” And she’ll purr in my ear, and I’m pretty sure she’s saying, “Luuuvvvhyuu Rrrr.” So that’s like, psychic communication.)

But ANYWAY. This crazy old woman had nine stinking cats who poohed all over the house, and a couple dogs who poohed regular in the yard, and then there was the two llamas, and they poohed in pebbles; big pyramids of poo-pebbles that cascaded onto the floor of the fenced enclosure. (GOD I hate caged animals!) They had nowhere to run! No fun! No one to save them, —except for Poo, that is!

I made the decision after catching one whip of that stink… that horribly pungent STANK! Llama poo is so offensive it’s like putting your nose under a warm crock-pot full of methane and ammonia; burning your nose with it, hearing the crackle of mucus! They should tap into the essence of llama poo instead of drilling for oil in foreign countries. Give Poo a chance!

But ANYWAY, the llamas natural habitat is not to be enclosed in a 10 x 12 space, and these two llamas were already up to their ankles in ammoniated-methane-poo, so I made the decision to set them free. It was better for them, the environment, and yours truly (who has an especially sensitive olfactory system.) You should have seen the look of joy on their camel-like faces!

But those llamas died. I don’t know when they died, only that it was a little after I set them free. I heard about it later on, when the crazy old woman tried to sue me, (until I poohed in a newspaper, rolled it up, snuck into her room while she was sleeping and left it on the pillow next to her head. She saw it there the next morning, and knew. She knew not to fuck with The Poo!)

But ANYWAY, I was pretty sad about those llamas, I didn’t realize they had no survival skills in the wild. But don’t judge the Poo, I’m telling you some things you didn’t know,—and don’t think that I should feel bad,—up yours! The Poo has her pride! Those effing llamas never had it so good as when I set them free. And even though their sorry llama-lives were cut short, remember this: the star that burns twice as bright burns half as long. So you’re WELCOME llamas, and PS: your poo stinks!

Sincerely,
P.P.

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