In a last ditch effort to avoid jail time, beloved comedian and serial rapist Bill Cosby argued to the court that he was, in fact, beloved musician Ray Charles. When the honorable Judge Steven T. O’Neill rejected that claim, Cosby replied, “Would you believe Stevie Wonder? Look at these fingers!”
That claim was also rejected by his magistrate after Cosby failed to play ‘Higher Ground’ and ‘Part Time Lover’ to his satisfaction. Cosby is currently awaiting sentencing with a freezer full of Pudding pops.
Not to be outdone by the spectacular and successful launch of Falcon Heavy, whose cargo included a cherry red Tesla Roadster, Elon Musk announced today that he plans to launch a massive Tesla electric Semi into the Andromeda Galaxy.
Inside the truck will be another, smaller truck, and inside that truck will be a toy semi truck. Inside the toy semi truck will be a little spaceman wearing sunglasses and a funny hat. Upon entering the thermosphere, the song “Space Oddity” by David Bowie will start playing through Tesla’s impressive NVX custom BOOST subwoofer system. “We want aliens to know that we have good taste in music,” Musk said, “so we’ve attached solar panels on the truck so our kick-ass tunes will be blasting throughout the galaxy for years to come.”
When asked why he was launching the semi, Musk climbed into a sleek, one-man drone prototype and said, “Why not? It’s fun!” before flying off to an unknown destination.
Amid a flurry of sexual abuse allegations, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell has been accused by a number of turtles, tortoises and terrapins of sexual misconduct. As of today McConnell denies the allegations. “These allegations are false,” he told reporters. “Every relationship I have ever had with a turtle was strictly professional, or with their consent.”
However, several turtles have rejected that claim. “He was always trying to get into my shell,” said one terrapin, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “He’d talk about my shell, the shape of my plates, and especially the pygal.”
A tortoise who had previously worked behind the scenes with McConnell in the House, alleges that he physically assaulted her. “We were going over some legislation in his office,” she said, “when he suddenly climbed onto the back of my shell and whispered ‘tax cuts for the rich’. I almost threw up in my snapper.”
Minority leader Nancy Pelosi joined other democrats in calling for an investigation. “If these allegations are true,” she said, “he should resign immediately.” When asked if she believed the Majority leader or the turtles, she replied, “I believe the turtles, yes.”
Early this morning president Trump injected himself into the matter. “This is just another political hit job by the loser democrats,” tweeted the president. “I’ve been with hundreds of turtles and every one of them liked it. If they say they didn’t they’re lying.”
Other accusers have requested to remain anonymous…
UPDATE! Shocking photo leaked to press!! (Warning: viewer discretion is advised)
McConnell has not returned our requests for further comment.
Antenna Wilde welcomes special guest blogger, Cousin inbred from Myspace.com
llama Kill, a Retort
By Cousin inbred
First off, u should read Purdy Poo’s blog befor readin mine.
Now, Purdy Poo done think she can go steelin the spot-lite wit her storeeze of poopin lambas, and how rightieous she is by settin ’em free? Well, yer cuzins got sumpthin to say bout that., cuz it just so happens that I waz the one drivin the pick-up truck that killed them lambas, and i didn’t feeel bad about it one buit. Fact is, I fed my whole family wit thos lambas, cuzons and all.
I waz drivin the trusty ol Chevy on route 2, same as any night after workin the night shift. It waz 6AM i rememebr cause that’s when I always have a “just-got-off-werk” shot off Jaxk Dansliels (special reserve) And these giant turkeys come staggering stupid-like across the road, and I hits em intenshunal-like cause i’m all happy when i gets a good road kill fer free, no worries on the highway gettin it fressh right there. But these lambas were big ol heavy fuckerz! HA! You shoulda seen them smack dab BAM fuckin SLAM on the hood and roll on out over to the sides of the road. One was dead fer sure and the other was brethin coughy rasp until i took my shotgun an plugged his head real good and overflow.
So i skinned em at home, gut em clean an fixed up the periferals. We called lots of people, lotz came. Cuzon greg came by wit some grease form Amy Bahkers and we made all kinds of funny edibles. Point is, you can feed a great many peoples with 2 llambas. Purdy Poo’s gota keep that in mind, how to see it in the true lite of nature; we being hungry animals and all, and needin feedin. Llamba poo may smell horrendible, but the meat is purdy sweet marinarded in beer and spices, put on the spit a while. Come on down, Purdy! We wont bite —much! heh heh heh.