November 2008 – Antenna Wilde

Recently I’ve been spending a LOT of time on Craigslist, trying to find a little part time work to supplement my income (something that pays more than 3.50 an hour and free day-old baguettes). Sometimes I find a post that sparks my interest, like this one:

Mascot Performer – Scuba Sam

Aquarium of the Bay’s Scuba Sam mascot is a male scuba diver, and the costume has built-in robotics that allows the performer to speak. If you are a guy who enjoys working with kids and being the center of attention, try out for Scuba Sam.

This job is right for you if you are:
– Friendly, energetic & outgoing
– Reliable & team-oriented
– Physically fit (you will be constantly on the move)
– Between 5’7 & 6′ tall (to fit in the costume)
– A person who enjoys working outside on the waterfront

Send cover letter and resume with “Scuba Sam Mascot” in the subject line.

* Location: Aquarium of the Bay at Pier 39
* Compensation: DOE

I got really excited and wrote the perfect letter to land the job:

11/12/08

Hello,

My name is Antenna and I’m applying to be your mascot, Scuba Sam. I understand the job description is to wear a scuba costume with built-in robotics that allows me to walk around talking to people. I’m not a scuba diver, but I don’t need to actually know scuba diving equipment because Sam is never in the water, correct? If so, this is the perfect job for me. I know you asked for a resume, but I think after you read this, there won’t be any doubts about my qualifications. My only question is regarding the compensation, which said: DOE or “Depends On Experience.”

Now I’m sure there’s a truck-load of guys out there experienced in walking around on dry land in talking robotic scuba suits, so I’m not sure what my chances are. I’m an excellent swimmer, but it seems that you’re just looking for guys who have experience walking around in scuba suits, and particularly those who are experienced in talking through a robotic voice amplifier while doing so? With the economy in shambles and all, I’m sure there’s plenty of experienced robot-like scuba divers looking for work at this very moment, and so I was wondering how I could fudge my resume’ in order to score big on the pay. At first I thought of telling you that, for the past four years on Halloween, I’ve worn a walking, talking, robot-like scuba diving costume, and that I’m probably the most experienced dry-land robotic scuba guy currently on the market in San Francisco. But my great grandmother (The Great Edna G. H. F. McGoodery) told me as a wee child, “Just be yourself.” Therefore I’ll go down your list to see if this job is right for me:

“Friendly, energetic & outgoing” —check
“Reliable & team-oriented” —check (especially with teams at giant aquariums)
“Physically fit” — Well, there seems to be a large chicken burrito that lodged itself in my lower colon, right around the belly-button area. I believe it happened sometime over the holidays last year, but I think I could sweat it out in that scuba suit. Give me two weeks.
“You will be constantly on the move” —check (I’m actually walking around my apartment while I type this —wearing a football helmet, incidentally— for practice)
“Between 5’7 & 6′ tall” —No, unfortunately I’m 6′ 1″ Damn! But wait, I could probably lose an inch if I shaved my head? I would also consider having a segment of my shins removed. So there, it’s settled. Now what’s left? Ah yes, “a person who enjoys working outside on the waterfront.”

I love working on the waterfront! Just call me Marlon Brando. Better yet, call me Scuba Sam. I’ll need 22 bucks an hour and a bowl of soup—clam chowder—when my shift is over. You know I think this will be really great, and kids love me by the way, so do their parents. I’m also quite knowledgeable in matters of the sea. I Tivo the Discovery Channel, own a copy of When Sharks Attack! and read Hemingway every chance I get. So I think it would behoove Aquarium of the Bay to hire me immediately. It may not behoove you, but I just love saying ‘behoove’ whenever possible. There’s just one more thing. Like Hemingway, I too am a raging alcoholic and would need to drink heavily on the job. Could we attach some kind of beer helmet on Scuba Sam’s head? The beer could go right in through the snorkel without raising suspicion, and I could wear a catheter or fashion some kind of “cock-hose” to pee in, as I imagine going tinkle isn’t easy for Sam. Is that why the last guy left? Anyway, back to my drinking. It’s best for me to start with a little whiskey at least a half hour before getting suited up, as we wouldn’t want Scuba Sam to get irritable, would we? Other than that I have no pre-conditions. I look forward to hearing back from you and will be checking my email over the next 72 hour drinking binge, which began shortly after reading your Craigslist post.

Sincerely,

Antenna Wilde

PS: I actually want an interview

So that’s it, there it is. I figured they’d appreciate my sense of humor and hire me, or at least have me in for an interview, no? I’m never sure of the odds on these things, but what do you think my chances are?