Mitch McConnell Accused of Sexual Harassment

Mitch McConnell

by Antenna Wilde

Amid a flurry of sexual abuse allegations, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell has been accused by a number of turtles, tortoises and terrapins of sexual misconduct. As of today McConnell denies the allegations. “These allegations are false,” he told reporters. “Every relationship I have ever had with a turtle was strictly professional, or with their consent.”

However, several turtles have rejected that claim. “He was always trying to get into my shell,” said one terrapin, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “He’d talk about my shell, the shape of my plates, and especially the pygal.”

A tortoise who had previously worked behind the scenes with McConnell in the House, alleges that he physically assaulted her. “We were going over some legislation in his office,” she said, “when he suddenly climbed onto the back of my shell and whispered ‘tax cuts for the rich’. I almost threw up in my snapper.”

Minority leader Nancy Pelosi joined other democrats in calling for an investigation. “If these allegations are true,” she said, “he should resign immediately.” When asked if she believed the Majority leader or the turtles, she replied, “I believe the turtles, yes.”

Early this morning president Trump injected himself into the matter. “This is just another political hit job by the loser democrats,” tweeted the president. “I’ve been with hundreds of turtles and every one of them liked it. If they say they didn’t they’re lying.”