Elon Musk Planning to Launch Tesla Semi Into Orbit


tesla-heavy3

Not to be outdone by the spectacular and successful launch of Falcon Heavy, whose cargo included a cherry red Tesla Roadster, Elon Musk announced today that he plans to launch a massive Tesla electric Semi into the Andromeda Galaxy.

Inside the truck will be another, smaller truck, and inside that truck will be a toy semi truck. Inside the toy semi truck will be a little spaceman wearing sunglasses and a funny hat. Upon entering the thermosphere, the song “Space Oddity” by David Bowie will start playing through Tesla’s impressive NVX custom BOOST subwoofer system. “We want aliens to know that we have good taste in music,” Musk said, “so we’ve attached solar panels on the truck so our kick-ass tunes will be blasting throughout the galaxy for years to come.”

When asked why he was launching the semi, Musk simply replied, “Why not? It’s fun!”

The launch is scheduled for later this year, check back for updates.

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Roy Moore Argues Black Votes only Count as Three Fifths


roy-moore

 

by Antenna Wilde

Unrelenting in his arguments against Doug Jones’ win being certified, failed Senate candidate and child predator Roy Moore requested a judge to overturn the final certification of his election defeat, citing the claim that the black voter turnout should only count as three fifths of the total number.

“Call me old-fashioned but I’m a strict Constitutionalist,” Moore told reporters, “and according to the compromises enacted by the Constitutional Convention of 1787, otherwise known as the three-fifths clause, blacks in a state should only be counted as three-fifths the number of white inhabitants of a state. If you take that into consideration, I actually won.”

UPDATE:

Alabama Circuit Judge Johnny Hardwick denied Moore’s motion to vacate, or overturn, the court’s previous ruling. Moore was last seen riding his horse Sassy to the local mall dressed like a cowboy. His wife could not be reached for comment.

 

Mitch McConnell Accused of Sexual Harassment


Mitch McConnell Accused of Sexual Harassment

Mitch McConnell

by Antenna Wilde

Amid a flurry of sexual abuse allegations, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell has been accused by a number of turtles, tortoises and terrapins of sexual misconduct. As of today McConnell denies the allegations. “These allegations are false,” he told reporters. “Every relationship I have ever had with a turtle was strictly professional, or with their consent.”

However, several turtles have rejected that claim. “He was always trying to get into my shell,” said one terrapin, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “He’d talk about my shell, the shape of my plates, and especially the pygal.”

A tortoise who had previously worked behind the scenes with McConnell in the House, alleges that he physically assaulted her. “We were going over some legislation in his office,” she said, “when he suddenly climbed onto the back of my shell and whispered ‘tax cuts for the rich’. I almost threw up in my snapper.”

Minority leader Nancy Pelosi joined other democrats in calling for an investigation. “If these allegations are true,” she said, “he should resign immediately.” When asked if she believed the Majority leader or the turtles, she replied, “I believe the turtles, yes.”

Early this morning president Trump injected himself into the matter. “This is just another political hit job by the loser democrats,” tweeted the president. “I’ve been with hundreds of turtles and every one of them liked it. If they say they didn’t they’re lying.”

turtle4-scared
Psychiatrists and turtle experts agree that this is the expression of a turtle in shock

Other accusers have requested to remain anonymous…

UPDATE! Shocking photo leaked to press!! (Warning: viewer discretion is advised)

mcconnell-turtle-fuck1

McConnell has not returned our requests for further comment.

Noam Chomsky Accused of Harassment


Noam Chomsky Accused of Harassment

chomsky

by Antenna Wilde

 

Amid a wave of scandals involving rape, sexual assault and harassment, famed linguistics and world affairs professor Noam Chomsky of MIT has been accused by three women of harassment.

Nora Whitmeyer, a former student and subsequent librarian in the linguistics department, reported that Chomsky repeatedly whispered the phrase, “If we don’t believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don’t believe in it at all.”

Abigail Summers also reported that the professor repeated phrases in her ear, including, “Case by case, we find that conformity is the easy way, and the path to privilege and prestige; dissidence carries personal costs.”

They said it drove them insane.

A third woman, who requested anonymity, stated that in 1955, when Chomsky was only an assistant professor, stopped her in the library and asked point blank, “What is the difference between Continental liberalism, English liberalism, and Old Whiggism?

One cannot fathom what type of psychological impact this would have on any of us, but few people can withstand that kind of pointed aggression for very long. We have tried to get a statement from professor Chomsky but it is extremely difficult to get around his schedule of naps.

MIT has declined to comment at this time.

 

 

Something We All Can Agree On


It’s Not Just About the Presidency. As the political pundits take turns lambasting each other, and the Republicans and Democrats attack and blame each other, a very small group of people at the top of the economic ladder sit back and laugh.

On the day I turned eighteen I registered to vote as an Independent, and not once have I ever considered changing my mind. Recently, I was surprised to learn that a whopping 42% of Americans also identify themselves as Independents; far higher than either Democrats or Republicans on their own. And the trend is increasing:

 

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Now, I’m not going to tell you to vote for Trump, or Clinton, or even Sanders. That would be a waste of time. My point is that the vast majority of Americans are totally disgusted with the establishment and they want change. Real change. So then, can we at least agree that many people had HOPE that Obama would deliver, and yet didn’t?

Now, we can blame the unprecedented amount of obstructionism in congress, or the Wall Street bailout and its influence in Washington, or even Obama himself. But the truth is that virtually every Senator and every House Representative spends the majority of their time getting campaign contributions for the next election cycle, and those contributions come from Wall Street, Big Oil, Big Pharma, Big Industry, and the Military Industrial Complex.

And We, the People, just don’t have any influence. But why?

  1. WE DONT HAVE A LOBBY.
    1. The American people don’t lobby representatives with CASH donations. So maybe we need to play the same game. The closest thing to a people’s lobby are unions, of course, but those are the same unions that Big Industry and Wall Street want to crush. So we should support them.
  2. WE DONT VOTE.
    1. 47% of Americans did not vote in the last election; an embarrassing statistic for the world’s (supposed) greatest democracy. Are we confined to TV and couches? Your masters continue to hope so.

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But what the fuck can we actually DO?

  1. VOTE. THEM. OUT.
    1. When we don’t vote these fucking clowns out of office, they just collect more and more money from special interests, and in that corruption cycle, they become harder and harder to get out. The irony. So then, VOTE THEM OUT! Don’t just go to the polls with a president in mind, look at the smaller fish. Who has your back? Who has a track record? Who’s a shill? Do some research!
  2. PARTICIPATE.
    1. If 100% of people get off their asses to go to work, the supermarkets, malls, bars, restaurants and movie theaters, then why don’t they go to vote? (And I mean YOU!)
    2. Because poll locations and voting information is hard to find. You never hear the mainstream media advocating for local populations to go where, when, and how to vote. And for one very good reason: THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO. But why?
    3. Because the more people know, the less control the Power Elite have over their lives. YOUR life.
  3. FOCUS ON YOUR COMMUNITY.
    1. We all have ideas about who should be the next president, but it’s far more important in the long run to control the House, Senate, and your local representatives. Democracy begins at home, and we exact Change from the ground up. Presidential elections are important, but they are also a distraction from who will ultimately vote for the proposed legislation that will affect your lives.

Then what’s to stop us?

  1. EDUCATION
    1. The vast majority of Americans are completely ignorant about what’s actually going on, and rely on the mainstream media for information. However, the mainstream media’s MAIN PURPOSE is to provide DISINFORMATION. Therefore, the only hope to regain REAL DEMOCRACY is to spread the truth to your friends and family, and anyone who will listen. You will be confronted with opposition, disbelief, and even scorn. No worries, it’s ok. Don’t give up! There is only one planet, one people, and one chance to save it. So keep the faith and keep on keeping on.

But what about the President?

I won’t inject my personal opinion, but will say this; that the ONLY way to effect real change and give the power back to the People is to elect someone who you feel has the message that BRINGS ALL OF US TOGETHER. Whoever you feel cares about the Middle Class, the working families who make up the vast majority of our country. Someone who is not divisive but inclusive. Someone with a track record that you can rely on. Someone who has not flip flopped over the years. Someone who is not interested in their own profit but the benefit of the general population. The choice is yours, and GOOD LUCK!

 

 

 

Man Smokes Weed, Goes on Shooting Spree


Weed-gun

 

Man Smokes Weed, Goes on Shooting Spree

Is it really this bad?

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 No, of course not. I had to get your attention though, because Americans need to deal with this very sensitive topic of gun control and mass shootings. And I have a solution.

Don’t change the gun laws. There, I said it. Now all you gun-lovin’ 2nd Amendment fanatics can relax.

But don’t worry all you peace-lovin’, another-Sandy-Hook-fearing Americans, I’ve got you covered.

With every gun purchase, Americans will also be given a license to grow, carry and smoke weed. Because you never see the headline, “Man Smokes Weed, Goes on Shooting Spree.” Never. You also never see the headline, “Man Smokes Weed, Goes on bank-robbing spree”. Because when you smoke weed, you just want to relax, chill out, and think about the vast mysteries of the universe before succumbing to the inevitable munchies.

So bake those brownies, and butter that popcorn, because weed is gonna solve this shit like antibiotics solved the Clap. And you’ll never have to worry about that isolated, bomb-making lunatic in the woods when he loses all of those twisted aspirations to “make a statement” and “blah blah blah,” because he’ll be too lazy with all of the THC in his system. He’ll be thinking about fishing, starting another garden. Maybe even getting over all that pointless heartache that sent him into Psycho-ville to begin with.

And the guns with still be there, collecting dust in the corner of the room, long forgotten. Because he needs to water those weeds, make sure they’re happy, getting enough sunshine. And he needs to share something else with the world, namely, this weed that he grew, created. And there will be women impressed with this, how Kind it is, how tasty, and then he’ll get laid. And no one ever went on a shooting spree after having an orgasm. Yeah, you won’t ever see that headline either.

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Independent Study finds 100% of Women are Crazy


An independent study conducted by Antenna Wilde reveals that 100 percent of women are crazy. The
double‐blind study, conducted with 16 women over the course of 22 years, shows a clear pattern of
insanity. “This study was unique in that the one conducting the study was not even aware of it at the
time,” said Wilde, a part‐time philosopher and amateur psychologist. “Neither were the women, nobody
was.”

Wilde says he starting compiling the data he had gathered after discovering stacks of old journals and
notebooks he found in his basement. “There’s a reason they say hindsight is 20/20,” he said, “because
looking over these entries it’s obvious, but at the time I had no idea.”

Lawrence Bunt, professor of sexual relations at the Institute for Sensible Relationships, or ISR, said,
“Realizing the person you were with was crazy is nothing new. At least 42 percent of people come to
that conclusion within the first year. What’s interesting about this study is that 100 percent of the
women were crazy, which raises some questions about Mr. Wilde himself.”

Wilde addressed the notion that he has a propensity for crazy women. “Of course I have a propensity for
crazy women, but who doesn’t? If a woman takes a shot of tequila, rips off her dress and starts riding an
electric bull in some country bar, for example, that’s crazy. But what man wouldn’t want to take her
home? And I love it when a woman tells me she’s ‘really screwed up right now’, as if that will deter me
from wanting to sleep with her.”

Alicia Poutridge, Wilde’s high school sweetheart, said, “Antenna is crazy, that’s why he thinks everyone
else is.” And Amanda Dickman, former girlfriend‐turned‐lesbian, said, “I told him I liked women but he
didn’t care. You could say he was like, my boyfriend I guess, but we never had sex.”

“I entered the data into my computer,” said Wilde. “And ran it through an algorithm that sorted out key
words like, lying, cheating, betrayal; and crazy, bitch, sucks. And guess what? 100 percent of the time
they were used in reference to the female, or to describe her behavior. It’s all here in black and white…
ink doesn’t lie.”

Wilde said his next project will be developing an app to weed out crazy women from dating sites like OK
Cupid and eHarmony. A spokesmen for the dating sites, under condition of anonymity, said that would,
“effectively close down their services.” Continue reading Independent Study finds 100% of Women are Crazy