Mitch McConnell Accused of Sexual Harassment


Mitch McConnell Accused of Sexual Harassment

Mitch McConnell

by Antenna Wilde

Amid a flurry of sexual abuse allegations, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell has been accused by a number of turtles, tortoises and terrapins of sexual misconduct. As of today McConnell denies the allegations. “These allegations are false,” he told reporters. “Every relationship I have ever had with a turtle was strictly professional, or with their consent.”

However, several turtles have rejected that claim. “He was always trying to get into my shell,” said one terrapin, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “He’d talk about my shell, the shape of my plates, and especially the pygal.”

A tortoise who had previously worked behind the scenes with McConnell in the House, alleges that he physically assaulted her. “We were going over some legislation in his office,” she said, “when he suddenly climbed onto the back of my shell and whispered ‘tax cuts for the rich’. I almost threw up in my snapper.”

Minority leader Nancy Pelosi joined other democrats in calling for an investigation. “If these allegations are true,” she said, “he should resign immediately.” When asked if she believed the Majority leader or the turtles, she replied, “I believe the turtles, yes.”

Early this morning president Trump injected himself into the matter. “This is just another political hit job by the loser democrats,” tweeted the president. “I’ve been with hundreds of turtles and every one of them liked it. If they say they didn’t they’re lying.”

turtle4-scared
Psychiatrists and turtle experts agree that this is the expression of a turtle in shock

Other accusers have requested to remain anonymous…

UPDATE! Shocking photo leaked to press!! (Warning: viewer discretion is advised)

mcconnell-turtle-fuck1

McConnell has not returned our requests for further comment.

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Hooters : You Came for A Sandwich?


by Antenna Wilde

Honestly, I’ve walked into two Hooters in my life, and it was the same cluster of sad, drooling losers trying to act like they’ve come for something other than booty shorts and fake tits. “But hey, the GAME is on!” Anyway, I walked by a Hooters last night—and yes, I had to peer through the window for an ogle because, let’s face it; Hooters doesn’t hire fatties.

Now isn’t this just the poor man’s version of a strip club? (Where Hooters girls end up, incidentally, if they don’t make it to the Annual Bikini Finals.) Personally, I prefer strip clubs. There’s something authentic about a strip club: the girls are whores, the guys are horny. But more importantly, nobody’s trying to pretend that they came for a sandwich. Check out Hooters website. Ah yes, there’s nothing like eating a Hogie with a boner.Hooters Makes You Hungry AND Horny?

Wow, look at that sandwich back there! I can almost taste the… uh, what is that, ham? It could be smoked turkey… legs… yes… definitely legs. According to this advertisement, the Hooter’s formula is: Hot chick + “makes you happy” = (can you guess?) Oh yeah, they also have sandwiches.

And Hooters sponsors sporting events too, like the NGA Tour. That’s right, it’s The Hooters Classic! I don’t know about you, but when I think golf, I think Titties! It’s likely the event will increase your handicap, but then again, you might not care.

Neither does anyone else. I did a google search on Hooters and found this: “Hooters Girls: The Finalists – 19841 views – 0 comments”Nobody Cares

It’s shocking really, that 19,841 people viewed the page and NOT ONE took the time to say anything. Not even, “Hey, nice tits!”

A lot of people think Hooters should be sued for only hiring hot chicks with big tits. And actually, they have been. But oddly enough, the biggest lawsuit settlement went to men, who wanted to be, uh… “Hooters boys”? Weird. And here’s something else weird: in the Hooters girl handbook, one of the conditions of employment requires Hooters Girls to sign a statement recognizing they may be victims of harassment: “I hereby acknowledge…the work environment is one in which joking and innuendo based on female sex appeal is commonplace.” So you could say that, making a “nice tits” comment is not only appropriate, but encouraged. So come on girls, just show us your tits, because who ever came for a sandwich?

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Geraldine Ferraro, Hillary Clinton Suffer Under “Black Advantage”


Obama Has FDR Charm

by Antenna Wilde

Geraldine Ferraro said, “If Barack Obama were a white man, would we be talking about this as a potential real problem for Hillary? If he were a woman of any color, would he be in this position that he’s in? Absolutely not!”

Perhaps she’s right; maybe a woman couldn’t possibly be running for president without some special, privileged assistance. And perhaps Ferraro isn’t a racist, just a realist. She was the first one to point out, remember, that she would never have been the 1984 VP nominee if she weren’t female. Because Ferraro knew; being a female VP nominee was a big advantage in 1984, just as being a black man running for president was in 1988, when she was quoted in the Washington Post, “If Jesse Jackson were not black, he wouldn’t be in the race.”

As it was true Jackson had the “black advantage,” we must remember that Obama is only half black, so there’s still hope for the Clinton camp. I mean, it would be much worse if he were, say… half black with three nipples and a club foot. Then even Cynthia McKinney would have to worry.

But Ferraro also knows that, although being a woman was a big advantage in 1984, in 2008 things are quite the contrary. On Super Tuesday she went into the polling booth in tears, speaking of Hillary, “It was tears [because] this woman has put herself out, and it is painful to watch how she’s being beaten up. And it’s only because she’s a woman. It was just a whole sense of the history, of her campaign, of my campaign. I’m not going to be around to see another woman run. I’m really not.”

Things were so much better in 1984. And that is why there is only one conclusion to draw from this whole “Obama ahead of Hillary” thing, which is that black men have more advantages than white women. How else would Obama have made it into the Senate while Ferraro herself failed to… twice? You see it’s not only because of sexism, but sexism AND racism. As Ferraro stated, “Racism works in two different directions. I really think they’re attacking me because I’m white. How’s that?”

How’s that? Well, that’s stupid. Racism doesn’t work in directions, it works like this; “Ferraro, you’re a racist.” Direction works like this, “Ferraro, go home and bury your head in a pillow.” Notice the difference? In any case, Clinton supporters need to look at the bright side—I mean, things could be worse. Obama may be black, and his middle name may be Hussein, and his parents may have come from a poor village in Kenya, but at least he’s not in a wheelchair. That would REALLY put Hillary at a disadvantage. Just look at FDR: when he ran for the presidency in 1932, his handicap was his greatest asset. Voters weren’t overly concerned with issues—same as today—but were more interested in electing someone with a disability.

Incumbent President Herbert Hoover failed to alert the public to this fact during the 1932 race and, unfortunately for the GOP, FDR won by a landslide 472 to 59. And it was indeed the handicap which enabled him to become our only President to serve more than two terms (four total). People may claim he did great things; creating the New Deal, the SEC FDIC and Social Security system to name a few, but these achievements were more likely the result of having a handicap.

And even though FDR led the country and the Allies to ultimate victory against Nazi Germany, and the economy at home reached full employment (which included providing new opportunities to women and African Americans) his success would not have been possible without the wheelchair. In fact, I would argue that the REAL reason Obama is in the position he is today, is BECAUSE of that blasted wheelchair.

Yes, Ferraro was right, and that is why we must fight vehemently against the “black man” including all ethnic, racial and religious minorities, the poor, the mentally AND physically handicapped, the lost, confused, estranged and any other “advantaged” people who pose a threat to the REAL dejected and prejudged faction of our society: rich, white, former First Ladies.

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