Queensboro Sally Depressed She’s Never Asked About Weather


groundhog

Queensboro, NY— Queensboro Sally, long-time groundhog and weather forecaster, was reportedly depressed this week when, once again, she was not asked to predict an early or late spring. Local animal whisperer Jody Florence spent the day with Sally, and told The Weather Channel that her depression was due to famous groundhogs Punxsutawney Phil and Staten Island Chuck getting all the attention. In addition, she claims sexism is involved, since every city’s groundhog weather forecaster is male.

“It’s not just Punxsutawney Phil and Staten Island Chuck,” said Florence. “There’s also Dunkirk Dave, Buckeye Chuck and Shubenacadie Sam. These groundhogs are not only all male, but some have received knighthood and military titles such as Sir Wally Wally and General Beauregard Lee. Queensboro Sally’s record of prediction is just as good, if not better, than her male counterparts.”

When we approached Queensboro Sally for comment she promptly snorted and turned back into her burrow, but did not see her shadow.

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Madonna Implants Foreign Objects Into Butt, Literally Becomes Material Girl


At age 60, Madonna is showing no signs of slowing down. And that’s probably because a dozen plastic surgeons are pushing her along. Papa don’t preach, but her ass is YUGE! Whether she’s channeling the late Joan Rivers or hung up on Kim Kardashian, the pop music icon recently added ginormous butt implants to her list of surgeries, begging the question, who’s that girl? Enhancements are one thing, but this is borderline. The only question now is whether the aging diva can keep it together on stage, as her bulbous buttocks protrude like an iceberg heading for the Titanic. Fans are speculating whether she can even sleep on her back due to the amount of blood that will rush to her already-inflated head, but don’t cry for me Argentina, she’s likely made a custom mattress with a giant hole in it.

Perhaps this is immaterial, after all, she has the right to express herself, but is this really in Vogue? 

People

 

Mitch McConnell Accused of Sexual Harassment


Mitch McConnell Accused of Sexual Harassment

Mitch McConnell

by Antenna Wilde

Amid a flurry of sexual abuse allegations, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell has been accused by a number of turtles, tortoises and terrapins of sexual misconduct. As of today McConnell denies the allegations. “These allegations are false,” he told reporters. “Every relationship I have ever had with a turtle was strictly professional, or with their consent.”

However, several turtles have rejected that claim. “He was always trying to get into my shell,” said one terrapin, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “He’d talk about my shell, the shape of my plates, and especially the pygal.”

A tortoise who had previously worked behind the scenes with McConnell in the House, alleges that he physically assaulted her. “We were going over some legislation in his office,” she said, “when he suddenly climbed onto the back of my shell and whispered ‘tax cuts for the rich’. I almost threw up in my snapper.”

Minority leader Nancy Pelosi joined other democrats in calling for an investigation. “If these allegations are true,” she said, “he should resign immediately.” When asked if she believed the Majority leader or the turtles, she replied, “I believe the turtles, yes.”

Early this morning president Trump injected himself into the matter. “This is just another political hit job by the loser democrats,” tweeted the president. “I’ve been with hundreds of turtles and every one of them liked it. If they say they didn’t they’re lying.”

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Psychiatrists and turtle experts agree that this is the expression of a turtle in shock

Other accusers have requested to remain anonymous…

UPDATE! Shocking photo leaked to press!! (Warning: viewer discretion is advised)

mcconnell-turtle-fuck1

McConnell has not returned our requests for further comment.

Noam Chomsky Accused of Harassment


Noam Chomsky Accused of Harassment

chomsky

by Antenna Wilde

 

Amid a wave of scandals involving rape, sexual assault and harassment, famed linguistics and world affairs professor Noam Chomsky of MIT has been accused by three women of harassment.

Nora Whitmeyer, a former student and subsequent librarian in the linguistics department, reported that Chomsky repeatedly whispered the phrase, “If we don’t believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don’t believe in it at all.”

Abigail Summers also reported that the professor repeated phrases in her ear, including, “Case by case, we find that conformity is the easy way, and the path to privilege and prestige; dissidence carries personal costs.”

They said it drove them insane.

A third woman, who requested anonymity, stated that in 1955, when Chomsky was only an assistant professor, stopped her in the library and asked point blank, “What is the difference between Continental liberalism, English liberalism, and Old Whiggism?

One cannot fathom what type of psychological impact this would have on any of us, but few people can withstand that kind of pointed aggression for very long. We have tried to get a statement from professor Chomsky but it is extremely difficult to get around his schedule of naps.

MIT has declined to comment at this time.