Amid a wave of scandals involving rape, sexual assault and harassment, famed linguistics and world affairs professor Noam Chomsky of MIT has been accused by three women of harassment.
Nora Whitmeyer, a former student and subsequent librarian in the linguistics department, reported that Chomsky repeatedly whispered the phrase, “If we don’t believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don’t believe in it at all.”
Abigail Summers also reported that the professor repeated phrases in her ear, including, “Case by case, we find that conformity is the easy way, and the path to privilege and prestige; dissidence carries personal costs.”
They said it drove them insane.
A third woman, who requested anonymity, stated that in 1955, when Chomsky was only an assistant professor, stopped her in the library and asked point blank, “What is the difference between Continental liberalism, English liberalism, and Old Whiggism?
One cannot fathom what type of psychological impact this would have on any of us, but few people can withstand that kind of pointed aggression for very long. We have tried to get a statement from professor Chomsky but it is extremely difficult to get around his schedule of naps.
Donald Trump’s Hair was spotted considering options to leave the administration yesterday outside the Mar-a-Lago estate in Palm Beach, Fl., as the president was exiting his limousine.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, a source close to the Donald’s Hair (who denies he is a comb) said that the Hair had been considering his options for some time, but didn’t expect to be caught considering them in public.
It remains unclear what opportunities the former president’s Hair would have in the global marketplace, but rumors have been circulating about a merger with Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.
Sources close to both Bezos and the Hair have confirmed that there has been mutual admiration between them for some time, although other interested parties were reported to be Goldmann Sachs Chairman Lloyd Blankfein.
However, in a statement released earlier today, Blankfein said that he is only interested in speculating on the potential merger between Bezos and the Hair, not in donning the coif himself.
French President Emmanuel Macron has offered the Hair a spacious flat in downtown Paris where it can consider its options. As Macron has a full head of hair already, it is uncertain what his motivations are, but sources close to Macron say the Hair is very concerned about the impact of climate change and, more specifically, the impact of high humidity on hair strands and frizz control in general.
Although sources say any immediate move is unlikely, the Hair is known to be unruly and unpredictable, like the president himself. “We haven’t had a president’s Hair this unruly since Andrew Jackson,” said one Washington insider. “A guy like Bannon or Kushner leaving, that would be bad enough, but the Hair? The Hair would be devastating.”
We ask the readers, what impact might the Hair’s departure have on the Trump administration?
In perhaps her most stunning show of support to date, former Secretary of State and Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton drew dozens of supporters into a packed hotel room at the Four Seasons in Manhattan, NY.
Although many of those who attended were media pundits, Wall Street CEOs and corporate lobbyists, at least one third were actual people who supported her positions on fracking, trade, private prisons and regime change.
Madam Prissy Duffwhite, heiress to the throne of Yorkshire, said, “She is clearly the most lavish and sophisticated of the lot.” (Although the heiress cannot legally vote in the U.S. her political connections are well established)
And even blue collar workers attended the gala, including Joan Krawferd, a 67 year old secretary for the law firm of Covington & Burling, in Washington, D.C., who said, “I just want to keep my job.”
While the media snapped photos, makeup and lighting crews worked overtime to present Hillary Clinton as a human being before she spoke about income inequality and the need for the media to do more about dismissing it. “It’s time for the (ruling elite) to quash this movement once and for all,” she said, including, “England’s monarchs never had to work this hard.”
Arnold Makes Love Child, The Sperminator Strikes Again
by Antenna Wilde
Shocking, exclusive photo of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s love child revealed! How this escaped the public eye is uncertain, for the resemblance is striking. Mildred Patricia Baena, mother of the child, has refused to reveal the boy’s name. However, a source has told Antenna Wilde that his name is, in fact, Conan “The Diaper” Baena. When asked to confirm the name, mother Mildred replied, “Absolutely not!” A denial so strong and swift that it seems, well, a little too strong and swift.
Long known for his aggressive sexual deviance, Schwarzenegger nonetheless managed to dupe his wife Maria and family for years, however, people close to the former Governator say that Shriver was privy to the misconduct, but turned a blind eye for political reasons. When asked what he thought of the new nickname, The Sperminator, Schwarzenegger replied, “I like The Sperminator, I think it’s catchy. No one can really get away with that name but me, you know, and I should mention that I’m coming out with another Terminator movie.”
What future relationship Arnold will have with Conan “The Diaper” Baena remains to be seen, but producer Ivan Reitman has suggested making a sequel to Junior, wherein Schwarzenegger will first impregnate himself, then give birth to Conan “The Diaper” as a thirteen year old clone. Critics argue the premise of a man giving birth assumes that the man not only has a uterus, but a vagina as well. Reitman countered the critics in a public statement released today, saying, “First of all, you can’t prove that he doesn’t have a vagina, that’s never been proven. Secondly, in the movie he would be a hermaphrodite, with a very long penis. Theoretically he could u-turn the penis and thereby manage to impregnate himself. As for giving birth to a thirteen year old boy, well, you know Arnold’s a big guy, so… it’s possible.”
Despite widespread reports of the death of Osama Bin Laden, eye witnesses report that the Al Qaeda leader is, in fact, working as head fry chef at McDonald’s Baghdad. According to sources close to the Jihad leader, despite his radical extremism, he has always retained a long-lived passion for fast food. Although far from Kosher—and certainly not Halal—this may just reflects the enigmatic nature of Bin Laden.
Previously President Obama refused to comment on whether Bin Laden did or did not have a relationship with Burger King between 1992 and 1995, but later conceded that special forces and CIA officials observed him eating a Whopper in Paris, France via satellite in 1991. Sources confirm that regardless of whether the beef was Halal, is was indeed confirmed to be genetically modified. Whether or not this fact will affect the martyr’s afterlife is open for debate.
by Antenna Wilde
I was having a problem with an electrical outlet, so I had an electrician come over to check it out. He said there was no power to the outlet, and went around checking the other outlets. He was spending a lot of time checking these outlets, and I tell him which ones work already, but he keeps putting this electric sensor up to them, saying he, “needs to see if they work.” So I grab a lamp and plug it into an outlet he hasn’t checked yet: the lamp lights up.
He looks at me and says, “No, I have to use this sensor.”
“Yeah,” I say, “I’m using a sensor too, this lamp! You see how it’s on?” Because you know, the lamp is on, so obviously it’s working. And it’s not smoking haywire or shooting electric tree branches up the wall, so I say, “Why don’t you check the outlet over there, you know, the one that’s NOT working?”
At first he frowns at me, but then gets off his knees and goes over to squat down beside the first outlet, taking the plate off and pulling out some wires. “Oh, lookee here,” he says, probing his sensor into the jack, “If that ain’t the biggest rats nest I ever…” and suddenly lightning shoots up his veins and flashes all around him until his head sparkles like a Chisese pinata on New Years, and drops dead to the floor, simmering. I checked his pulse, but nothing. I felt bad, but still, I don’t see what’s wrong with using a lamp to see if an outlet works. Fuckin’ retard. Anyone know a good electrician?
The Women of Tiger Woods
by Antenna Wilde
They’re all hookers.
Tiger Woods, one of the greatest golfers of all time. Tiger Woods, beloved family man endorsed by a host of multi-national corporations. And Tiger Woods, adulterous sex fiend. Every day another women steps into the media limelight with a new Tiger Woods sex story, yet questions remain: is he really a nymphomaniac, did his wife know about the cheating, and is he hung more like Arnold Palmer or Ben Hogan?
As for the girls, they all have two things in common: they’re all hookers, and they’re all… I guess they’re all hookers. They’re also all white—there you go—and I’m sure there’s other similarities, let me know if you think of any, like they all have the clap for example. But don’t say, “They’re not hookers, most of them have jobs working in night clubs.” Because right there, I rest my case. (Don’t get me wrong, just because you’re working as a cocktail waitress doesn’t mean you’re a whore, but whores often get jobs as cocktail waitresses to meet new clients.) And that’s exactly what’s going on here; hookers posing as night club employees to legitimize their profession. Admittedly, Holly Sampson is a former porn star and Joslyn James is a current porn star, and I say kudos to them, because at least they’re not phonies.
Mindy Lawton? Pul-EESE! Put a pair of glasses on this bitch and she turns into Harry Potter. Maybe Tiger was drunk, maybe she cast a spell on him, but say it ain’t so, man, say it ain’t so.
Apparently Tiger likes paying for sex. He even offered his wife Elin 60 million dollars to stay with him. Of course, this is in addition to the money she’s already entitled to under their pre-nuptual agreement, a figure the NY Post reports as 300 million.
And it seems that she’s cashing the check, so…
…as we watch this spiraling flurry engulf Tiger in a media shit-storm, we should consider who got what out of all this. The tramps finally got the attention they desperately wanted, his wife doubled her multi-million dollar assets, the media got a whole lotta dirt, and Tiger got… laid. He should have stayed on the golf course. Too bad for his kids, but they can afford the best shrinks in the country. Elin is the real winner in all of this. Embarrassing, sure, but considering the extra 60 million Tiger’s doling out, each affair cost him (and earned her) a whopping 7.5 million. Do you think she’d have him un-do it all? I wonder. As for Woods, he should have stayed in Vegas. But then again… that’s where he met Kalika Moquin.