Independent Study Finds 100% of Women Crazy

An independent study by Antenna Wilde has revealed that 100% of women are crazy. The double-blind study, conducted with 16 women over the course of 22 years, shows a clear pattern of insanity. “This study was unique in that the one conducting the study was not even aware of it at the time,” said Wilde, a part time philosopher and amateur psychiatrist. “Neither were the women, nobody was.”

Wilde said he starting compiling the data he had gathered after discovering a stack of old diaries and notebooks in his basement. “There’s a reason they say hindsight is 20/20,” he said, “because looking over these entries it’s obvious, but at the time I had no idea.”

Lawrence Bunt, professor of sexual relations at the Institute for Sensible Relationships, or ISR, said, “Realizing the person you are with is crazy is nothing new. At least 42 percent of people come to that conclusion within the first year. What’s interesting about this study is that 100 percent of the women were crazy, which raises some questions about Mr. Wilde himself.”

Wilde addressed the notion that he has a propensity for crazy women. “Of course I like crazy women, but who doesn’t? If a woman takes a shot of tequila, rips off her clothes and starts riding a mechanical bull in some country bar for example, who wouldn’t want to take her home? And I love it when a woman says something like, “I’m pretty messed up right now,” because that makes me think my chances are better than average.”

Alicia Poutridge, Wilde’s high school sweetheart, said, “Antenna is crazy, that’s why he thinks everyone else is.” And Amanda Dickman, former girlfriend-turned-lesbian said, “I told him a million times that I liked women, but he’d just say ‘me too’ and buy me another drink. You could say he was, like, my boy ‘friend’ or whatever, but we never had sex.”

“I entered the data into my computer,” said Wilde, “and ran it through an algorithm that filtered out key words like ‘crazy’, ‘lying’, ‘cheating’ and ‘nuts’, and guess what I found? 100 percent of the time it was in reference to the woman. It’s all there in black and white: ink doesn’t lie.”

Wilde says his next project is working on an app to weed out crazy women from dating sites like OK Cupid and eHarmony. A spokesman for the dating sites said, under condition of anonymity, that would “effectively close down those services”.

Queensboro Sally Depressed She’s Never Asked About Weather

Queensboro, NY— Queensboro Sally, long-time groundhog and weather forecaster, was reportedly depressed this week when, once again, she was not asked to predict an early or late spring. Local animal whisperer Jody Florence spent the day with Sally, and told The Weather Channel that her depression was due to famous groundhogs Punxsutawney Phil and Staten Island Chuck getting all the attention. In addition, she claims sexism is involved, since every city’s groundhog weather forecaster is male.

“It’s not just Punxsutawney Phil and Staten Island Chuck,” said Florence. “There’s also Dunkirk Dave, Buckeye Chuck and Shubenacadie Sam. These groundhogs are not only all male, but some have received knighthood and military titles such as Sir Wally Wally and General Beauregard Lee. Queensboro Sally’s record of prediction is just as good, if not better, than her male counterparts.”

When we approached Queensboro Sally for comment she promptly snorted and turned back into her burrow, but did not see her shadow.

Madonna Implants Foreign Objects Into Butt, Literally Becomes Material Girl

At age 60, Madonna is showing no signs of slowing down. And that’s probably because a dozen plastic surgeons are pushing her along. Papa don’t preach, but her ass is YUGE! Whether she’s channeling the late Joan Rivers or hung up on Kim Kardashian, the pop music icon recently added ginormous butt implants to her list of surgeries, begging the question, who’s that girl? Enhancements are one thing, but this is borderline. The only question now is whether the aging diva can keep it together on stage, as her bulbous buttocks protrude like an iceberg heading for the Titanic. Fans are speculating whether she can even sleep on her back due to the amount of blood that will rush to her already-inflated head, but don’t cry for me Argentina, she’s likely made a custom mattress with a giant hole in it.

Perhaps this is immaterial, after all, she has the right to express herself, but is this really in Vogue? 

 

Trump Sends Mimes to Border to Prove Wall is Real, Just Invisible

Declaring victory, President Trump tweeted that the border wall between the U.S. and Mexico was complete, adding that cutting edge technology from the Pentagon was used to make the wall invisible.

After both Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer tweeted that the President was faking false statements, Trump fired back, “The loser democrats are desperate! Too stupid to understand the complicated technology that out grate military has to accomplish this grate task. As President I know about our technology secrets they don’t. Even today, hundreds of foreign French nationals are trying to enter our grate country but are being DENIED by the wall! MAGA!”

This story is being updated.

A Message from Donald J. Trump About Hitler

A lot of people say, ‘Hitler, bad guy’, OK? And that’s true. Bad guy, but he got a lot done, right? And it’s hard to get things done when you’re in charge of a whole country. Plus he had to invade all those other countries, which isn’t easy. So yeah, bad guy, but got a lot done. And look at the VW bug; that was Hitler. If it wasn’t for Hitler there wouldn’t be a VW bug, and a lot of people like that car. The hippies love that car. That’s ironic, right? The hippies.

So he did the bug, and he got things done, but there was the whole killing thing, which was bad. Everyone says it was bad, and it was, but there was a lot more going on than just that. There was a lot of other things that had to be done, he was invading countries, trying to make Germany great again, and there were all those people giving him a hard time, saying, ‘Oh, Adolph, you’re so hard on the Polocks, and why do you have to gas all the Jews?’ but he got a lot done in a short period of time. Look at France, right? He invaded France and they all surrendered without a fight, so, you know, why would you stop there? Would anyone stop there? Of course not. You’d keep going, you’d have to keep going, and so that’s what he did.

And the Jew thing, it was bad, ok? Everyone says it was bad, so it was bad, but he got a lot of gold out of their teeth, and there was a lot of furniture and property confiscated, so it’s not like it was for nothing. So a few million Jews… some people say 6 million, some say it never happened. Did it even happen? Some people say no, it didn’t, so it’s hard to even know if it happened. Could be fake news, there’s always been fake news. Pictures are doctored, like the moon landing, so we don’t know. Did it happen? Probably, but we just don’t know.

Noam Chomsky Accused of Harassment

Noam Chomsky Accused of Harassment

by Antenna Wilde

 

Amid a wave of scandals involving rape, sexual assault and harassment, famed linguistics and world affairs professor Noam Chomsky of MIT has been accused by three women of harassment.

Nora Whitmeyer, a former student and subsequent librarian in the linguistics department, reported that Chomsky repeatedly whispered the phrase, “If we don’t believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don’t believe in it at all.”

Abigail Summers also reported that the professor repeated phrases in her ear, including, “Case by case, we find that conformity is the easy way, and the path to privilege and prestige; dissidence carries personal costs.”

They said it drove them insane.

A third woman, who requested anonymity, stated that in 1955, when Chomsky was only an assistant professor, stopped her in the library and asked point blank, “What is the difference between Continental liberalism, English liberalism, and Old Whiggism?

One cannot fathom what type of psychological impact this would have on any of us, but few people can withstand that kind of pointed aggression for very long. We have tried to get a statement from professor Chomsky but it is extremely difficult to get around his schedule of naps.

MIT has declined to comment at this time.

 

 

Donald Trump’s Hair Considering Options to Leave Administration

Donald Trump’s Hair was spotted considering options to leave the administration yesterday outside the Mar-a-Lago estate in Palm Beach, Fl., as the president was exiting his limousine.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a source close to the Donald’s Hair (who denies he is a comb) said that the Hair had been considering his options for some time, but didn’t expect to be caught considering them in public.

It remains unclear what opportunities the former president’s Hair would have in the global marketplace, but rumors have been circulating about a merger with Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos considers merger with Trump’s Hair

Sources close to both Bezos and the Hair have confirmed that there has been mutual admiration between them for some time, although other interested parties were reported to be Goldmann Sachs Chairman Lloyd Blankfein.

However, in a statement released earlier today, Blankfein said that he is only interested in speculating on the potential merger between Bezos and the Hair, not in donning the coif himself.

Goldmann Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein denies any personal interest in Trump’s Hair

French President Emmanuel Macron has offered the Hair a spacious flat in downtown Paris where it can consider its options. As Macron has a full head of hair already, it is uncertain what his motivations are, but sources close to Macron say the Hair is very concerned about the impact of climate change and, more specifically, the impact of high humidity on hair strands and frizz control in general.

Although sources say any immediate move is unlikely, the Hair is known to be unruly and unpredictable, like the president himself. “We haven’t had a president’s Hair this unruly since Andrew Jackson,” said one Washington insider. “A guy like Bannon or Kushner leaving, that would be bad enough, but the Hair? The Hair would be devastating.”

We ask the readers, what impact might the Hair’s departure have on the Trump administration?

Hair coifs courtesy of Trump’s Hair

Bald Trump image by Casey Hawes

Dozens Flock to Clinton Rally in Four Seasons Hotel Room

In perhaps her most stunning show of support to date, former Secretary of State and Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton drew dozens of supporters into a packed hotel room at the Four Seasons in Manhattan, NY.

Although many of those who attended were media pundits, Wall Street CEOs and corporate lobbyists, at least one third were actual people who supported her positions on fracking, trade, private prisons and regime change.

Madam Prissy Duffwhite, heiress to the throne of Yorkshire, said, “She is clearly the most lavish and sophisticated of the lot.” (Although the heiress cannot legally vote in the U.S. her political connections are well established)

And even blue collar workers attended the gala, including Joan Krawferd, a 67 year old secretary for the law firm of Covington & Burling, in Washington, D.C., who said, “I just want to keep my job.”

While the media snapped photos, makeup and lighting crews worked overtime to present Hillary Clinton as a human being before she spoke about income inequality and the need for the media to do more about dismissing it. “It’s time for the (ruling elite) to quash this movement once and for all,” she said, including, “England’s monarchs never had to work this hard.”

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Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Love Child, Baby Photo Revealed!

Baby Conan at 2 Years Old

Arnold Makes Love Child, The Sperminator Strikes Again

by Antenna Wilde

Shocking, exclusive photo of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s love child revealed! How this escaped the public eye is uncertain, for the resemblance is striking. Mildred Patricia Baena, mother of the child, has refused to reveal the boy’s name. However, a source has told Antenna Wilde that his name is, in fact, Conan “The Diaper” Baena. When asked to confirm the name, mother Mildred replied, “Absolutely not!” A denial so strong and swift that it seems, well, a little too strong and swift.

Long known for his aggressive sexual deviance, Schwarzenegger nonetheless managed to dupe his wife Maria and family for years, however, people close to the former Governator say that Shriver was privy to the misconduct, but turned a blind eye for political reasons. When asked what he thought of the new nickname, The Sperminator, Schwarzenegger replied, “I like The Sperminator, I think it’s catchy. No one can really get away with that name but me, you know, and I should mention that I’m coming out with another Terminator movie.”

What future relationship Arnold will have with Conan “The Diaper” Baena remains to be seen, but producer Ivan Reitman has suggested making a sequel to Junior, wherein Schwarzenegger will first impregnate himself, then give birth to Conan “The Diaper” as a thirteen year old clone. Critics argue the premise of a man giving birth assumes that the man not only has a uterus, but a vagina as well. Reitman countered the critics in a public statement released today, saying, “First of all, you can’t prove that he doesn’t have a vagina, that’s never been proven. Secondly, in the movie he would be a hermaphrodite, with a very long penis. Theoretically he could u-turn the penis and thereby manage to impregnate himself. As for giving birth to a thirteen year old boy, well, you know Arnold’s a big guy, so… it’s possible.”

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Osama Bin Laden Alive!

Despite widespread reports of the death of Osama Bin Laden, eye witnesses report that the Al Qaeda leader is, in fact, working as head fry chef at McDonald’s Baghdad. According to sources close to the Jihad leader, despite his radical extremism, he has always retained a long-lived passion for fast food. Although far from Kosher—and certainly not Halal—this may just reflects the enigmatic nature of Bin Laden.

Previously President Obama refused to comment on whether Bin Laden did or did not have a relationship with Burger King between 1992 and 1995, but later conceded that special forces and CIA officials observed him eating a Whopper in Paris, France via satellite in 1991. Sources confirm that regardless of whether the beef was Halal, is was indeed confirmed to be genetically modified. Whether or not this fact will affect the martyr’s afterlife is open for debate.

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