Donald Trump’s Hair Considering Options to Leave Administration

Donald Trump’s Hair was spotted considering options to leave the administration yesterday outside the Mar-a-Lago estate in Palm Beach, Fl., as the president was exiting his limousine.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a source close to the Donald’s Hair (who denies he is a comb) said that the Hair had been considering his options for some time, but didn’t expect to be caught considering them in public.

It remains unclear what opportunities the former president’s Hair would have in the global marketplace, but rumors have been circulating about a merger with Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos considers merger with Trump’s Hair

Sources close to both Bezos and the Hair have confirmed that there has been mutual admiration between them for some time, although other interested parties were reported to be Goldmann Sachs Chairman Lloyd Blankfein.

However, in a statement released earlier today, Blankfein said that he is only interested in speculating on the potential merger between Bezos and the Hair, not in donning the coif himself.

Goldmann Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein denies any personal interest in Trump’s Hair

French President Emmanuel Macron has offered the Hair a spacious flat in downtown Paris where it can consider its options. As Macron has a full head of hair already, it is uncertain what his motivations are, but sources close to Macron say the Hair is very concerned about the impact of climate change and, more specifically, the impact of high humidity on hair strands and frizz control in general.

Although sources say any immediate move is unlikely, the Hair is known to be unruly and unpredictable, like the president himself. “We haven’t had a president’s Hair this unruly since Andrew Jackson,” said one Washington insider. “A guy like Bannon or Kushner leaving, that would be bad enough, but the Hair? The Hair would be devastating.”

We ask the readers, what impact might the Hair’s departure have on the Trump administration?

Hair coifs courtesy of Trump’s Hair

Bald Trump image by Casey Hawes

Dozens Flock to Clinton Rally in Four Seasons Hotel Room

In perhaps her most stunning show of support to date, former Secretary of State and Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton drew dozens of supporters into a packed hotel room at the Four Seasons in Manhattan, NY.

Although many of those who attended were media pundits, Wall Street CEOs and corporate lobbyists, at least one third were actual people who supported her positions on fracking, trade, private prisons and regime change.

Madam Prissy Duffwhite, heiress to the throne of Yorkshire, said, “She is clearly the most lavish and sophisticated of the lot.” (Although the heiress cannot legally vote in the U.S. her political connections are well established)

And even blue collar workers attended the gala, including Joan Krawferd, a 67 year old secretary for the law firm of Covington & Burling, in Washington, D.C., who said, “I just want to keep my job.”

While the media snapped photos, makeup and lighting crews worked overtime to present Hillary Clinton as a human being before she spoke about income inequality and the need for the media to do more about dismissing it. “It’s time for the (ruling elite) to quash this movement once and for all,” she said, including, “England’s monarchs never had to work this hard.”

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Trump Slams Pope Francis: Would make “better Pope”

Special Guest Opinion

by Donald Trump

OK, so now everybody’s talking about me and Pope Francis. He insults me. He says I’m not Christian. What can I say? He’s all talk, no action. And you know this talk is coming from special interests. You don’t think he has special interests? I have no special interests. The fact is, the pope is just not smart, he’s a bad negotiator. He’s a low energy pope. A total lightweight.  He wears his bathrobe to get the newspaper in the morning. How does that look to the world? It’s embarrassing.

So look, I’m just gonna come right out and say it: I’d be a great pope, I’d be a much better pope than Pope Francis. A poll just came out and it says that I’m tied with him, I’m tied with the pope. How can I be tied with this guy? He’s weak on immigration, he’s weak on jobs. He’s a loser. In the private sector he couldn’t even get a job. I mean, who would hire him? What does he do really? He wears a robe around everywhere. That’s not effective, that’s just lazy. He’s a lazy pope. If I don’t become president, I’m going to run for pope. I’d build a bigger, and better wall around Vatican City. There won’t be any illegal immigrants in my castle… or whatever they call the pope’s house. No pope will be as great as me. I will be… the greatest Pope the world has ever seen. And tell you something else, I’ll build a Vatican casino in there, and it will be huge. Yuge. Very profitable. Look at all the pontiffs walking around there now; they’ve got nothing to do, and they’re rich. They’ve got gold, they’ve got jewels, and nowhere to spend it. So there’s going to be gambling, and it’s going to be great. We’re going to make the Vatican great again.

So picture this: The Trump Vatican Hotel & Casino… right? Am I right or what? It will be great. We’re going to use all the best people, and we’re going to make, the Vatican, great again!