Trump Slams Pope Francis: Would make “better Pope”


Pope Trump

Special Guest Opinion

by Donald Trump

OK, so now everybody’s talking about me and Pope Francis. He insults me. He says I’m not Christian. What can I say? He’s all talk, no action. And you know this talk is coming from special interests. You don’t think he has special interests? I have no special interests. The fact is, the pope is just not smart, he’s a bad negotiator. He’s a low energy pope. A total lightweight.  He wears his bathrobe to get the newspaper in the morning. How does that look to the world? It’s embarrassing.

So look, I’m just gonna come right out and say it: I’d be a great pope, I’d be a much better pope than Pope Francis. A poll just came out and it says that I’m tied with him, I’m tied with the pope. How can I be tied with this guy? He’s weak on immigration, he’s weak on jobs. He’s a loser. In the private sector he couldn’t even get a job. I mean, who would hire him? What does he do really? He wears a robe around everywhere. That’s not effective, that’s just lazy. He’s a lazy pope. If I don’t become president, I’m going to run for pope. I’d build a bigger, and better wall around Vatican City. There won’t be any illegal immigrants in my castle… or whatever they call the pope’s house. No pope will be as great as me. I will be… the greatest Pope the world has ever seen. And tell you something else, I’ll build a Vatican casino in there, and it will be huge. Yuge. Very profitable. Look at all the pontiffs walking around there now; they’ve got nothing to do, and they’re rich. They’ve got gold, they’ve got jewels, and nowhere to spend it. So there’s going to be gambling, and it’s going to be great. We’re going to make the Vatican great again.

So picture this: The Trump Vatican Hotel & Casino… right? Am I right or what? It will be great. We’re going to use all the best people, and we’re going to make, the Vatican, great again!

trump vatican

Obama: More Gray than Black or White


by Antenna Wilde

Ever since Obama’s speech on 3/18/08, one segment keeps ringing in my brain:

“I have brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, uncles and cousins, of every race and every hue, scattered across three continents.”

Wow… even Eskimo? This guy is good; he’s genetically associated himself with every person on the planet—in just one sentence. I’m sure that nailed down the Siamese-twin and hermaphrodite vote as well. All he has to do is get those aliens from Area 54 registered, and he’s a shoe-in. I’d like to suggest the perfect running mate: Tiger Woods.

I’m kind of jealous, that’s all. I mean, I’m only English, Dutch, French and Scot (my Dad claims we’re Swedish too, but I think he just had a great vacation there). Maybe with the help of genetic engineering, I could infuse the rest of the races into my biological code—and throw in a dolphin, leopard and chimpanzee for posterity.

Obama, Clinton and McCain’s genealogies are here. Pretty weird, though interestingly enough, Obama has the most links to former presidents.

Now, if only we can get him to speak dolphin…

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