Roy Moore Argues Black Votes only Count as Three Fifths


roy-moore

 

by Antenna Wilde

Unrelenting in his arguments against Doug Jones’ win being certified, failed Senate candidate and child predator Roy Moore requested a judge to overturn the final certification of his election defeat, citing the claim that the black voter turnout should only count as three fifths of the total number.

“Call me old-fashioned but I’m a strict Constitutionalist,” Moore told reporters, “and according to the compromises enacted by the Constitutional Convention of 1787, otherwise known as the three-fifths clause, blacks in a state should only be counted as three-fifths the number of white inhabitants of a state. If you take that into consideration, I actually won.”

UPDATE:

Alabama Circuit Judge Johnny Hardwick denied Moore’s motion to vacate, or overturn, the court’s previous ruling. Moore was last seen riding his horse Sassy to the local mall dressed like a cowboy. His wife could not be reached for comment.

 

Advertisements

Mitch McConnell Accused of Sexual Harassment


Mitch McConnell Accused of Sexual Harassment

Mitch McConnell

by Antenna Wilde

Amid a flurry of sexual abuse allegations, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell has been accused by a number of turtles, tortoises and terrapins of sexual misconduct. As of today McConnell denies the allegations. “These allegations are false,” he told reporters. “Every relationship I have ever had with a turtle was strictly professional, or with their consent.”

However, several turtles have rejected that claim. “He was always trying to get into my shell,” said one terrapin, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “He’d talk about my shell, the shape of my plates, and especially the pygal.”

A tortoise who had previously worked behind the scenes with McConnell in the House, alleges that he physically assaulted her. “We were going over some legislation in his office,” she said, “when he suddenly climbed onto the back of my shell and whispered ‘tax cuts for the rich’. I almost threw up in my snapper.”

Minority leader Nancy Pelosi joined other democrats in calling for an investigation. “If these allegations are true,” she said, “he should resign immediately.” When asked if she believed the Majority leader or the turtles, she replied, “I believe the turtles, yes.”

Early this morning president Trump injected himself into the matter. “This is just another political hit job by the loser democrats,” tweeted the president. “I’ve been with hundreds of turtles and every one of them liked it. If they say they didn’t they’re lying.”

turtle4-scared
Psychiatrists and turtle experts agree that this is the expression of a turtle in shock

Other accusers have requested to remain anonymous…

UPDATE! Shocking photo leaked to press!! (Warning: viewer discretion is advised)

mcconnell-turtle-fuck1

McConnell has not returned our requests for further comment.