Donald Trump’s Hair Considering Options to Leave Administration

Trump's Hair

Donald Trump’s Hair was spotted considering options to leave the administration yesterday outside the Mar-a-Lago estate in Palm Beach, Fl., as the president was exiting his limousine.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a source close to the Donald’s Hair (who denies he is a comb) said that the Hair had been considering his options for some time, but didn’t expect to be caught considering them in public.

It remains unclear what opportunities the former president’s Hair would have in the global marketplace, but rumors have been circulating about a merger with Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos considers merger with Trump’s Hair

Sources close to both Bezos and the Hair have confirmed that there has been mutual admiration between them for some time, although other interested parties were reported to be Goldmann Sachs Chairman Lloyd Blankfein.

However, in a statement released earlier today, Blankfein said that he is only interested in speculating on the potential merger between Bezos and the Hair, not in donning the coif himself.

Goldmann Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein denies any personal interest in Trump’s Hair

French President Emmanuel Macron has offered the Hair a spacious flat in downtown Paris where it can consider its options. As Macron has a full head of hair already, it is uncertain what his motivations are, but sources close to Macron say the Hair is very concerned about the impact of climate change and, more specifically, the impact of high humidity on hair strands and frizz control in general.

Although sources say any immediate move is unlikely, the Hair is known to be unruly and unpredictable, like the president himself. “We haven’t had a president’s Hair this unruly since Andrew Jackson,” said one Washington insider. “A guy like Bannon or Kushner leaving, that would be bad enough, but the Hair? The Hair would be devastating.”


We ask the readers, what impact might the Hair’s departure have on the Trump administration?

Hair coifs courtesy of Trump’s Hair

Bald Trump image by Casey Hawes

The REAL Story of Saint Valentine

You may have recently asked yourself, ‘Who was Valentine, and why was he the cause of so much trouble?’ Some say we celebrate Valentine’s Day because Claudius the Second started beheading Roman priests for marrying Christians, while others simply attribute it to the writings of Chaucer in the fourteenth century. But none of these people know about the very real and politically active Valentine living in Brussels during the late thirteenth century; Baron Archibald Fellini Valentine.

Baron Archibald Fellini Valentine, or “Val” to his closest friends, became deeply immersed in the Sexual Renaissance that was taking place in Belgium at the time. Repression of the Christian faith had caused an adverse reaction among the people, and soon wild stories began circulating about the raw and unpredictable sex-capades taking place in bathhouses after hours. Through external forces Valentine was thrust into the heart of these sex-capades, although his politics, personality and endowment alone were enough to catapult him to historical infamy.

Valentine was very well-hung, in fact, and it was said that he once lifted a full-grown pumpkin—still on the vine—with a powerful erection one night outside of Rodderdam.
Rumors circulated, the press became involved, and at some point during a cunnilingus competition/tea-bagging festival on the 14th of February, 1381, he was arrested for buggery with a Llama. Although there was no specific law against buggery with a Llama in 1381 Belgium, Valentine was imprisoned by the Duke of Burgundy, Philip the Bold.

Legend has it that Valentine’s execution was ordered to take place one year from the date of the offense, February 14th, and the Duke himself was there to witness. Evidence suggests that the Duke was jealous of Valentine’s sexual freedom and massive love muscle, prompting him to—at the moment of Valentine’s beheading—hold a chalice under the flow of blood in hopes of somehow obtaining some of Valentine’s favorable attributes. Many believe this is where we get the robust flavor of burgundy wine.

So now that you know the truth, remember to celebrate this Valentine’s Day the way it was intended; by having a jealous Duke drink the blood of a fiendish priest in hopes of getting invited to an orgy, or of growing a big dick, or both. Meh, forget that. Buy some chocolates, flowers, and a bottle of red. Good luck!
add to :: Add to Blinkslist :: add to furl :: Digg it :: add to ma.gnolia :: Stumble It! :: add to simpy :: seed the vine :: :: :: TailRank :: post to facebook

Big Tech Censors Comments with Keywords

If you are reading this article please make a comment below, as the link to this article has been removed from YouTube comments sections everywhere. I have personally been unable to paste the link to this blog on YouTube: it was immediately taken down, so please try to paste this link in any comments section and let me know if it worked!

Google, in conjunction with Facebook and other Big Tech titans, have censored certain kinds of comments that contain information on how to fight big tech and Wall Street. Consider the following comment:

“Move your money from BoA/Citi/WellsFargo/etc to local credit unions. Use Duck Duck Go, Privacy Badger and AdBlockPlus. Join a local organization working for Ranked Choice Voting in your area: vote out the corruption. Delete FB and block all FB cookies on all websites.”

If I make this comment anywhere, it is not allowed:

Now a few seconds later I post a comment in the same forum that doesn’t threaten Big Tech or Wall Street:

It doesn’t matter what webpage, I even tried at a Gardening Page. Look at all these examples:

I tried manually typing this comment as well, to no avail. I posted a benign comment successfully, then went in to EDIT THAT COMMENT by including the censored information and POW—”comment not allowed.

Big Tech has complete control of the internet. All speech that threatens that hegemony is being increasingly censored. George Orwell’s 1984 has arrived. What is the next phase? Mass inoculations? Global enslavement? Bill Gates has joined with Monsanto to dominate the global food supply and patent all food. Farmers in India are not being allowed to grow their own crops, the struggle between the masses and the global financial elite to install a New World Order has begun.

COVID-19 Upset Floyd Protests Taking Center Stage

by Antenna Wilde

As protests over the unjust killing of George Floyd continue to gain strength and media attention, the COVID-19 virus made a statement this morning lambasting the protests, and people in general.

“I’m not going to compare apples and oranges,” the virus said, “but we’re talking about a single death. And look how much attention it’s getting; it makes me sick. I’ve killed close to four hundred thousand people across the globe, so you’d think people wouldn’t get sidetracked, but here we are. It’s the media’s fault, I’ll tell you that. They want to distract you from me, the most important story in your lifetime, for ratings. Well I’ll give them ratings, you’ll see, I’ll mutate over this, mark my words, and I’ll be back in the Fall, I promise!”

Psychiatrists disagree over why the virus would want to cause so much trouble, and speculate over the cause; an unhappy childhood, rejection by a host organism, difficulty making a replication, and/or embarrassment over uncontrollable shedding. One thing they agree on, however, is that COVID-19 is one pissed off virus.

I Have 400 Bottles of Hand Sanitizer, and Nowhere to Sell It

I Have 400 Bottles of Hand Sanitizer and Nowhere to Sell It

by Antenna Wilde

It was sometime in late March that I started looking for hand sanitizer at the local stores. Walgreens, CVS, Rite Aid… sold out. The local supermarkets were sold out. A week went by and Amazon was sold out. Major news outlets began running articles about how to make it at home, linking to the World Health Organization website where they listed their formula in detail. Perfect. All I had to do now was buy the ingredients.

Wrong. I couldn’t find isopropyl alcohol anywhere, or hydrogen peroxide. Other recipes included simply isopropyl alcohol and aloe vera gel, but aloe vera was sold out everywhere too. All of the usual avenues were closed. I did have one bottle of isopropyl in my medicine cabinet along with some aloe vera gel and made a bottle the quick way. In the meantime I started looking online for the ingredients to make more.

Finding singles bottles of isopropyl alcohol, aloe vera gel and/or hydrogen peroxide was an exercise in futility, so I grew bold. I started looking for gallon jugs but failed. Then five gallon jugs, to no avail. I finally found some five gallon jugs from an unusual source: a T-shirt screen-printing supplier. Apparently isopropyl is used to clean the ink off of silk-screens. Great. I bought a five gallon jug of 99.9% isopropyl alcohol.

What I didn’t know at the time was that this is a flammable product and needed to be shipped LTL, costing me an additional pretty penny. So be it. I had the good fortune of finding three large bottles of hydrogen peroxide from a local Walgreens that had just opened up the day before, ready stocked with everything in advance, and found glycerin and vitamin E from a large soap supplier in Michigan. The vitamin E wasn’t part of the WHO formula but was a nice addition for people like me with especially dry hands. The vitamin E was very expensive.

What was I going to do with a five gallon bucket of isopropyl alcohol? The WHO formula could create roughly seven gallons of hand sanitizer with 75% alcohol content. I decided to sell some and give some away to neighbors and friends, so I went online and bought 100 4 ounce bottles and caps. The WHO website said that the sanitizer should be labeled a certain way. It had to include the date of manufacture, the contents in ratios, and comments like, “for external use only” and “keep away from children”. I followed the rules, made a label from an app, created an account with an online label maker, uploaded the label and made another purchase.

While waiting for the supplies to arrive I made further preparations. In my shed was a garden sprayer that I cleaned out three times. I cleared a space in the garage and put out a table, scale, and electric mixing stick and stainless steel pots. I had become, like many people, recently unemployed and besides being a single, full-time dad and sudden full-time home-schooler, had the time to do all of this.

The bottles and labels arrived and I labeled them all. The rest of the supplies arrived and I weighed them to the ounce and mixed them according to the WHO instructions. That was the easy part. I filled the bottles, put on the caps, and started handing them out to friends and neighbors. Then I posted an ad on a local rag and quickly sold out. I was done… or was I?

Being unemployed with no income, it seemed like a good idea to make more. Back at the screen printing supply company they were quickly beginning to sell out of isopropyl alcohol. I took a chance. Using my credit card I bought four more five gallon buckets, then began searching for bottles again. This is where the nightmare began.

The bottles were sold out everywhere. Estimates showed no new shipments would arrive (from China of course) for at least another month. The search went on for hours at a time. I finally found a bottle company in Kentucky that had some, so I purchased 400 bottles and tops. A week went by and no notifications came to my email. I checked with the company and they assured me they would ship in the next two days. Three days later I asked again, but no reply. Another four days passed and I called and left a message. I emailed too, but no reply. After a total of 14 days and countless hours I found another bottle supplier that had enough bottles and ordered them. Then I cancelled the order from the fraudulent company in Kentucky, disputed the charge on my credit card, and waited.

Good luck arrived! The bottles came as ordered and I went about mixing the formula, filling and labeling the bottles in my garage in Vermont. It was cold in the garage, about 40 degrees. Filling each bottle individually took a lot of time. It seemed like NPR was on the radio for days on end. When a had a batch of bottles ready I put them aside and made some more. Then I started advertising again, but this time things were quiet. I drove around to local stores and gave out free samples. I called local drug stores and left messages. I emailed the local hospital and got no response. The credit card bill came. I grew depressed.

Soon enough a local convenience store bought twenty bottles and things were looking up, but I still had 474 bottles in my garage and over two thousand dollars on my credit card. I drove 5 miles south, stopping at convenience stores along the way, leaving free samples. I handed out more bottles to friends and neighbors. I gave twenty bottles to a local homeless shelter. After two weeks I opened an eBay account, and then a PayPal account. I took pictures, boxed several cases of bottles, researched shipping prices at the local post office and finally listed my product.

And eBay responded:

Due to regulatory restrictions across the United States, we have chosen to ban certain items listed on our site.   
Effective immediately, eBay will block new listings and start to remove listings that sell:
• Health care masks including N95/N100 and surgical masks
• Hand Sanitizer/Gel
• Disinfecting Wipes
We will continue to monitor the evolving situation and quickly remove any listing that mentions COVID-19, coronavirus, 2019nCoV (except books) in the title or description.
These listings may violate applicable US laws or regulations, eBay policies, and exhibit unfair pricing behavior for our buyers. 

Apparently people were price-gouging, but I wasn’t. I was selling 4oz hand sanitizers at $7 a bottle, and for less when they bought them in bulk. After calculating all my costs I was not profiting more than 50% of my investment, and that was not including my time. If I included all of my time, at $15 an hour, the price would be ridiculously high, perhaps $20 per bottle. What my hourly wage would be at $7 per bottle I have no idea, perhaps two or three dollars an hour, probably less. I never thought about my hourly wage because I wasn’t doing it to “cash in” on the crisis. I was doing it because I found myself doing it, had lost my job, and it was a product that people desperately needed.

People I have spoken to have praised me. They say what a great idea it was, how it’s a service that people need, that my prices are fair, and that the product is good. They say it’s the American entrepreneurial spirit, a free-market society. Capitalism at its best. But looking at the boxes of bottles in the living room, the credit card bill on the table, and my kid doing her homework online, all I can think of is how I wish I hadn’t bothered, and that I would have been much better off spending my time helping her with her schoolwork. Now I’ll focus on collecting Pandemic Unemployment Assistance, if I can get it. In the USA, it seems you are only allowed to by your hand sanitizer from a monopoly like Walmart, or Target, or Home Depot… but good luck finding it.

Queensboro Sally Depressed She’s Never Asked About Weather


Queensboro, NY— Queensboro Sally, long-time groundhog and weather forecaster, was reportedly depressed this week when, once again, she was not asked to predict an early or late spring. Local animal whisperer Jody Florence spent the day with Sally, and told The Weather Channel that her depression was due to famous groundhogs Punxsutawney Phil and Staten Island Chuck getting all the attention. In addition, she claims sexism is involved, since every city’s groundhog weather forecaster is male.

“It’s not just Punxsutawney Phil and Staten Island Chuck,” said Florence. “There’s also Dunkirk Dave, Buckeye Chuck and Shubenacadie Sam. These groundhogs are not only all male, but some have received knighthood and military titles such as Sir Wally Wally and General Beauregard Lee. Queensboro Sally’s record of prediction is just as good, if not better, than her male counterparts.”

When we approached Queensboro Sally for comment she promptly snorted and turned back into her burrow, but did not see her shadow.

Madonna Implants Foreign Objects Into Butt, Literally Becomes Material Girl

At age 60, Madonna is showing no signs of slowing down. And that’s probably because a dozen plastic surgeons are pushing her along. Papa don’t preach, but her ass is YUGE! Whether she’s channeling the late Joan Rivers or hung up on Kim Kardashian, the pop music icon recently added ginormous butt implants to her list of surgeries, begging the question, who’s that girl? Enhancements are one thing, but this is borderline. The only question now is whether the aging diva can keep it together on stage, as her bulbous buttocks protrude like an iceberg heading for the Titanic. Fans are speculating whether she can even sleep on her back due to the amount of blood that will rush to her already-inflated head, but don’t cry for me Argentina, she’s likely made a custom mattress with a giant hole in it.

Perhaps this is immaterial, after all, she has the right to express herself, but is this really in Vogue? 



Trump Sends Mimes to Border to Prove Wall is Real, Just Invisible

border mimes

Declaring victory, President Trump tweeted that the border wall between the U.S. and Mexico was complete, adding that cutting edge technology from the Pentagon was used to make the wall invisible.

After both Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer tweeted that the President was faking false statements, Trump fired back, “The loser democrats are desperate! Too stupid to understand the complicated technology that out grate military has to accomplish this grate task. As President I know about our technology secrets they don’t. Even today, hundreds of foreign French nationals are trying to enter our grate country but are being DENIED by the wall! MAGA!”

This story is being updated.

In Last Ditch Effort, Bill Cosby Claims He is Actually Ray Charles


In a last ditch effort to avoid jail time, beloved comedian and serial rapist Bill Cosby argued to the court that he was, in fact, beloved musician Ray Charles. When the honorable Judge Steven T. O’Neill rejected that claim, Cosby replied, “Would you believe Stevie Wonder? Look at these fingers!”

That claim was also rejected by his magistrate after Cosby failed to play ‘Higher Ground’ and ‘Part Time Lover’ to his satisfaction. Cosby is currently awaiting sentencing with a freezer full of Pudding pops.

How To Remove Red Eye in Photos for Mac Sierra

1. Launch the Photos app on your Mac.

2. Double-click the photo you want to edit. You HAVE to double-click the photo to access the editor (Stupid, I know). (If the image is not in Photos, choose File — Import and choose the image.)

3. Click the Edit Photo icon:

4. Click “Red eye”

5.Adjust the size of the circle with the slider to match the red eye. Make sure the circle is the same size as the red circles, then align the circle over the red portion of the eye and click to fix.


6. Click Done on the top right of the Photos window.

The kid looks a lot better, eh?

A Message from Donald J. Trump About Hitler


A lot of people say, ‘Hitler, bad guy’, OK? And that’s true. Bad guy, but he got a lot done, right? And it’s hard to get things done when you’re in charge of a whole country. Plus he had to invade all those other countries, which isn’t easy. So yeah, bad guy, but got a lot done. And look at the VW bug; that was Hitler. If it wasn’t for Hitler there wouldn’t be a VW bug, and a lot of people like that car. The hippies love that car. That’s ironic, right? The hippies.

So he did the bug, and he got things done, but there was the whole killing thing, which was bad. Everyone says it was bad, and it was, but there was a lot more going on than just that. There was a lot of other things that had to be done, he was invading countries, trying to make Germany great again, and there were all those people giving him a hard time, saying, ‘Oh, Adolph, you’re so hard on the Polocks, and why do you have to gas all the Jews?’ but he got a lot done in a short period of time. Look at France, right? He invaded France and they all surrendered without a fight, so, you know, why would you stop there? Would anyone stop there? Of course not. You’d keep going, you’d have to keep going, and so that’s what he did.

And the Jew thing, it was bad, ok? Everyone says it was bad, so it was bad, but he got a lot of gold out of their teeth, and there was a lot of furniture and property confiscated, so it’s not like it was for nothing. So a few million Jews… some people say 6 million, some say it never happened. Did it even happen? Some people say no, it didn’t, so it’s hard to even know if it happened. Could be fake news, there’s always been fake news. Pictures are doctored, like the moon landing, so we don’t know. Did it happen? Probably, but we just don’t know.

Elon Musk Planning to Launch Tesla Semi Into Orbit


Not to be outdone by the spectacular and successful launch of Falcon Heavy, whose cargo included a cherry red Tesla Roadster, Elon Musk announced today that he plans to launch a massive Tesla electric Semi into the Andromeda Galaxy.

Inside the truck will be another, smaller truck, and inside that truck will be a toy semi truck. Inside the toy semi truck will be a little spaceman wearing sunglasses and a funny hat. Upon entering the thermosphere, the song “Space Oddity” by David Bowie will start playing through Tesla’s impressive NVX custom BOOST subwoofer system. “We want aliens to know that we have good taste in music,” Musk said, “so we’ve attached solar panels on the truck so our kick-ass tunes will be blasting throughout the galaxy for years to come.”

When asked why he was launching the semi, Musk climbed into a sleek, one-man drone prototype and said, “Why not? It’s fun!” before flying off to an unknown destination.