The REAL Story of Saint Valentine


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You may already know that the story behind St. Valentine’s Day is precarious at best, and I think we have all asked ourselves, at some point in our lives, ‘Who was Valentine, and why was he the cause of so much trouble?’ Some say we celebrate Valentine’s Day because Claudius the Second started beheading Roman priests for marrying Christians, while others simply attribute it to the writings of Chaucer in the fourteenth century. But none of these people know about the very real and politically active Valentine living in Brussels during the late thirteenth century; Baron Archibald Fellini Valentine.

Baron Archibald Fellini Valentine, or “Val” to his closest friends, became deeply immersed in the Sexual Renaissance that was taking place in Belgium at the time. Repression of the Christian faith had caused an adverse reaction among the people, and soon wild stories began circulating about the raw and unpredictable sex-capades taking place in bathhouses after hours. Through external forces Valentine was thrust into the heart of these sex-capades, although his politics, personality and endowment alone were enough to catapult him to historical infamy.

Valentine was very well-hung, in fact, and it was said that he once lifted a full-grown pumpkin—still on the vine—with a powerful erection one night outside of Rodderdam.
Rumors circulated, the press became involved, and at some point during a cunnilingus competition/tea-bagging festival on the 14th of February, 1381, he was arrested for buggery with a Llama. Although there was no specific law against buggery with a Llama in 1381 Belgium, Valentine was imprisoned by the Duke of Burgundy, Philip the Bold.

Legend has it that Valentine’s execution was ordered to take place one year from the date of the offense, February 14th, and the Duke himself was there to witness. Evidence suggests that the Duke was jealous of Valentine’s sexual freedom and massive love muscle, prompting him to—at the moment of Valentine’s beheading—hold a chalice under the flow of blood in hopes of somehow obtaining some of Valentine’s favorable attributes. Many believe this is where we get the robust flavor of burgundy wine.

So now that you know the truth, remember to celebrate this Valentine’s Day the way it was intended; by having a jealous Duke drink the blood of a fiendish priest in hopes of getting invited to an orgy, or of growing a big dick, or both. Meh, forget that. Buy some chocolates, flowers, and a bottle of red. Good luck!
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Queensboro Sally Depressed She’s Never Asked About Weather


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Queensboro, NY— Queensboro Sally, long-time groundhog and weather forecaster, was reportedly depressed this week when, once again, she was not asked to predict an early or late spring. Local animal whisperer Jody Florence spent the day with Sally, and told The Weather Channel that her depression was due to famous groundhogs Punxsutawney Phil and Staten Island Chuck getting all the attention. In addition, she claims sexism is involved, since every city’s groundhog weather forecaster is male.

“It’s not just Punxsutawney Phil and Staten Island Chuck,” said Florence. “There’s also Dunkirk Dave, Buckeye Chuck and Shubenacadie Sam. These groundhogs are not only all male, but some have received knighthood and military titles such as Sir Wally Wally and General Beauregard Lee. Queensboro Sally’s record of prediction is just as good, if not better, than her male counterparts.”

When we approached Queensboro Sally for comment she promptly snorted and turned back into her burrow, but did not see her shadow.

Madonna Implants Foreign Objects Into Butt, Literally Becomes Material Girl


At age 60, Madonna is showing no signs of slowing down. And that’s probably because a dozen plastic surgeons are pushing her along. Papa don’t preach, but her ass is YUGE! Whether she’s channeling the late Joan Rivers or hung up on Kim Kardashian, the pop music icon recently added ginormous butt implants to her list of surgeries, begging the question, who’s that girl? Enhancements are one thing, but this is borderline. The only question now is whether the aging diva can keep it together on stage, as her bulbous buttocks protrude like an iceberg heading for the Titanic. Fans are speculating whether she can even sleep on her back due to the amount of blood that will rush to her already-inflated head, but don’t cry for me Argentina, she’s likely made a custom mattress with a giant hole in it.

Perhaps this is immaterial, after all, she has the right to express herself, but is this really in Vogue? 

People

 

Trump Sends Mimes to Border to Prove Wall is Real, Just Invisible


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Declaring victory, President Trump tweeted that the border wall between the U.S. and Mexico was complete, adding that cutting edge technology from the Pentagon was used to make the wall invisible.

After both Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer tweeted that the President was faking false statements, Trump fired back, “The loser democrats are desperate! Too stupid to understand the complicated technology that out grate military has to accomplish this grate task. As President I know about our technology secrets they don’t. Even today, hundreds of foreign French nationals are trying to enter our grate country but are being DENIED by the wall! MAGA!”

This story is being updated.

In Last Ditch Effort, Bill Cosby Claims He is Actually Ray Charles


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In a last ditch effort to avoid jail time, beloved comedian and serial rapist Bill Cosby argued to the court that he was, in fact, beloved musician Ray Charles. When the honorable Judge Steven T. O’Neill rejected that claim, Cosby replied, “Would you believe Stevie Wonder? Look at these fingers!”

That claim was also rejected by his magistrate after Cosby failed to play ‘Higher Ground’ and ‘Part Time Lover’ to his satisfaction. Cosby is currently awaiting sentencing with a freezer full of Pudding pops.

How To Remove Red Eye in Photos for Mac Sierra


1. Launch the Photos app on your Mac.

2. Double-click the photo you want to edit. You HAVE to double-click the photo to access the editor (Stupid, I know). (If the image is not in Photos, choose File — Import and choose the image.)

3. Click the Edit Photo icon:
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4. Click “Red eye”
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5.Adjust the size of the circle with the slider to match the red eye. Make sure the circle is the same size as the red circles, then align the circle over the red portion of the eye and click to fix.
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6. Click Done on the top right of the Photos window.

The kid looks a lot better, eh?

A Message from Donald J. Trump About Hitler


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A lot of people say, ‘Hitler, bad guy’, OK? And that’s true. Bad guy, but he got a lot done, right? And it’s hard to get things done when you’re in charge of a whole country. Plus he had to invade all those other countries, which isn’t easy. So yeah, bad guy, but got a lot done. And look at the VW bug; that was Hitler. If it wasn’t for Hitler there wouldn’t be a VW bug, and a lot of people like that car. The hippies love that car. That’s ironic, right? The hippies.

So he did the bug, and he got things done, but there was the whole killing thing, which was bad. Everyone says it was bad, and it was, but there was a lot more going on than just that. There was a lot of other things that had to be done, he was invading countries, trying to make Germany great again, and there were all those people giving him a hard time, saying, ‘Oh, Adolph, you’re so hard on the Polocks, and why do you have to gas all the Jews?’ but he got a lot done in a short period of time. Look at France, right? He invaded France and they all surrendered without a fight, so, you know, why would you stop there? Would anyone stop there? Of course not. You’d keep going, you’d have to keep going, and so that’s what he did.

And the Jew thing, it was bad, ok? Everyone says it was bad, so it was bad, but he got a lot of gold out of their teeth, and there was a lot of furniture and property confiscated, so it’s not like it was for nothing. So a few million Jews… some people say 6 million, some say it never happened. Did it even happen? Some people say no, it didn’t, so it’s hard to even know if it happened. Could be fake news, there’s always been fake news. Pictures are doctored, like the moon landing, so we don’t know. Did it happen? Probably, but we just don’t know.

Elon Musk Planning to Launch Tesla Semi Into Orbit


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Not to be outdone by the spectacular and successful launch of Falcon Heavy, whose cargo included a cherry red Tesla Roadster, Elon Musk announced today that he plans to launch a massive Tesla electric Semi into the Andromeda Galaxy.

Inside the truck will be another, smaller truck, and inside that truck will be a toy semi truck. Inside the toy semi truck will be a little spaceman wearing sunglasses and a funny hat. Upon entering the thermosphere, the song “Space Oddity” by David Bowie will start playing through Tesla’s impressive NVX custom BOOST subwoofer system. “We want aliens to know that we have good taste in music,” Musk said, “so we’ve attached solar panels on the truck so our kick-ass tunes will be blasting throughout the galaxy for years to come.”

When asked why he was launching the semi, Musk climbed into a sleek, one-man drone prototype and said, “Why not? It’s fun!” before flying off to an unknown destination.