Madonna Implants Foreign Objects Into Butt, Literally Becomes Material Girl


At age 60, Madonna is showing no signs of slowing down. And that’s probably because a dozen plastic surgeons are pushing her along. Papa don’t preach, but her ass is YUGE! Whether she’s channeling the late Joan Rivers or hung up on Kim Kardashian, the pop music icon recently added ginormous butt implants to her list of surgeries, begging the question, who’s that girl? Enhancements are one thing, but this is borderline. The only question now is whether the aging diva can keep it together on stage, as her bulbous buttocks protrude like an iceberg heading for the Titanic. Fans are speculating whether she can even sleep on her back due to the amount of blood that will rush to her already-inflated head, but don’t cry for me Argentina, she’s likely made a custom mattress with a giant hole in it.

Perhaps this is immaterial, after all, she has the right to express herself, but is this really in Vogue? 

People

 

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Trump Sends Mimes to Border to Prove Wall is Real, Just Invisible


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Declaring victory, President Trump tweeted that the border wall between the U.S. and Mexico was complete, adding that cutting edge technology from the Pentagon was used to make the wall invisible.

After both Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer tweeted that the President was faking false statements, Trump fired back, “The loser democrats are desperate! Too stupid to understand the complicated technology that out grate military has to accomplish this grate task. As President I know about our technology secrets they don’t. Even today, hundreds of foreign French nationals are trying to enter our grate country but are being DENIED by the wall! MAGA!”

This story is being updated.

In Last Ditch Effort, Bill Cosby Claims He is Actually Ray Charles


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In a last ditch effort to avoid jail time, beloved comedian and serial rapist Bill Cosby argued to the court that he was, in fact, beloved musician Ray Charles. When the honorable Judge Steven T. O’Neill rejected that claim, Cosby replied, “Would you believe Stevie Wonder? Look at these fingers!”

That claim was also rejected by his magistrate after Cosby failed to play ‘Higher Ground’ and ‘Part Time Lover’ to his satisfaction. Cosby is currently awaiting sentencing with a freezer full of Pudding pops.

How To Remove Red Eye in Photos for Mac Sierra


1. Launch the Photos app on your Mac.

2. Double-click the photo you want to edit. You HAVE to double-click the photo to access the editor (Stupid, I know). (If the image is not in Photos, choose File — Import and choose the image.)

3. Click the Edit Photo icon:
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4. Click “Red eye”
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5.Adjust the size of the circle with the slider to match the red eye. Make sure the circle is the same size as the red circles, then align the circle over the red portion of the eye and click to fix.
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6. Click Done on the top right of the Photos window.

The kid looks a lot better, eh?

A Message from Donald J. Trump About Hitler


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A lot of people say, ‘Hitler, bad guy’, OK? And that’s true. Bad guy, but he got a lot done, right? And it’s hard to get things done when you’re in charge of a whole country. Plus he had to invade all those other countries, which isn’t easy. So yeah, bad guy, but got a lot done. And look at the VW bug; that was Hitler. If it wasn’t for Hitler there wouldn’t be a VW bug, and a lot of people like that car. The hippies love that car. That’s ironic, right? The hippies.

So he did the bug, and he got things done, but there was the whole killing thing, which was bad. Everyone says it was bad, and it was, but there was a lot more going on than just that. There was a lot of other things that had to be done, he was invading countries, trying to make Germany great again, and there were all those people giving him a hard time, saying, ‘Oh, Adolph, you’re so hard on the Polocks, and why do you have to gas all the Jews?’ but he got a lot done in a short period of time. Look at France, right? He invaded France and they all surrendered without a fight, so, you know, why would you stop there? Would anyone stop there? Of course not. You’d keep going, you’d have to keep going, and so that’s what he did.

And the Jew thing, it was bad, ok? Everyone says it was bad, so it was bad, but he got a lot of gold out of their teeth, and there was a lot of furniture and property confiscated, so it’s not like it was for nothing. So a few million Jews… some people say 6 million, some say it never happened. Did it even happen? Some people say no, it didn’t, so it’s hard to even know if it happened. Could be fake news, there’s always been fake news. Pictures are doctored, like the moon landing, so we don’t know. Did it happen? Probably, but we just don’t know.

Elon Musk Planning to Launch Tesla Semi Into Orbit


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Not to be outdone by the spectacular and successful launch of Falcon Heavy, whose cargo included a cherry red Tesla Roadster, Elon Musk announced today that he plans to launch a massive Tesla electric Semi into the Andromeda Galaxy.

Inside the truck will be another, smaller truck, and inside that truck will be a toy semi truck. Inside the toy semi truck will be a little spaceman wearing sunglasses and a funny hat. Upon entering the thermosphere, the song “Space Oddity” by David Bowie will start playing through Tesla’s impressive NVX custom BOOST subwoofer system. “We want aliens to know that we have good taste in music,” Musk said, “so we’ve attached solar panels on the truck so our kick-ass tunes will be blasting throughout the galaxy for years to come.”

When asked why he was launching the semi, Musk climbed into a sleek, one-man drone prototype and said, “Why not? It’s fun!” before flying off to an unknown destination.