Not to be outdone by the spectacular and successful launch of Falcon Heavy, whose cargo included a cherry red Tesla Roadster, Elon Musk announced today that he plans to launch a massive Tesla electric Semi into the Andromeda Galaxy.
Inside the truck will be another, smaller truck, and inside that truck will be a toy semi truck. Inside the toy semi truck will be a little spaceman wearing sunglasses and a funny hat. Upon entering the thermosphere, the song “Space Oddity” by David Bowie will start playing through Tesla’s impressive NVX custom BOOST subwoofer system. “We want aliens to know that we have good taste in music,” Musk said, “so we’ve attached solar panels on the truck so our kick-ass tunes will be blasting throughout the galaxy for years to come.”
When asked why he was launching the semi, Musk simply replied, “Why not? It’s fun!”
The launch is scheduled for later this year, check back for updates.
Unrelenting in his arguments against Doug Jones’ win being certified, failed Senate candidate and child predator Roy Moore requested a judge to overturn the final certification of his election defeat, citing the claim that the black voter turnout should only count as three fifths of the total number.
“Call me old-fashioned but I’m a strict Constitutionalist,” Moore told reporters, “and according to the compromises enacted by the Constitutional Convention of 1787, otherwise known as the three-fifths clause, blacks in a state should only be counted as three-fifths the number of white inhabitants of a state. If you take that into consideration, I actually won.”
Alabama Circuit Judge Johnny Hardwick denied Moore’s motion to vacate, or overturn, the court’s previous ruling. Moore was last seen riding his horse Sassy to the local mall dressed like a cowboy. His wife could not be reached for comment.
Amid a flurry of sexual abuse allegations, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell has been accused by a number of turtles, tortoises and terrapins of sexual misconduct. As of today McConnell denies the allegations. “These allegations are false,” he told reporters. “Every relationship I have ever had with a turtle was strictly professional, or with their consent.”
However, several turtles have rejected that claim. “He was always trying to get into my shell,” said one terrapin, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “He’d talk about my shell, the shape of my plates, and especially the pygal.”
A tortoise who had previously worked behind the scenes with McConnell in the House, alleges that he physically assaulted her. “We were going over some legislation in his office,” she said, “when he suddenly climbed onto the back of my shell and whispered ‘tax cuts for the rich’. I almost threw up in my snapper.”
Minority leader Nancy Pelosi joined other democrats in calling for an investigation. “If these allegations are true,” she said, “he should resign immediately.” When asked if she believed the Majority leader or the turtles, she replied, “I believe the turtles, yes.”
Early this morning president Trump injected himself into the matter. “This is just another political hit job by the loser democrats,” tweeted the president. “I’ve been with hundreds of turtles and every one of them liked it. If they say they didn’t they’re lying.”
Other accusers have requested to remain anonymous…
UPDATE! Shocking photo leaked to press!! (Warning: viewer discretion is advised)
McConnell has not returned our requests for further comment.
Amid a wave of scandals involving rape, sexual assault and harassment, famed linguistics and world affairs professor Noam Chomsky of MIT has been accused by three women of harassment.
Nora Whitmeyer, a former student and subsequent librarian in the linguistics department, reported that Chomsky repeatedly whispered the phrase, “If we don’t believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don’t believe in it at all.”
Abigail Summers also reported that the professor repeated phrases in her ear, including, “Case by case, we find that conformity is the easy way, and the path to privilege and prestige; dissidence carries personal costs.”
They said it drove them insane.
A third woman, who requested anonymity, stated that in 1955, when Chomsky was only an assistant professor, stopped her in the library and asked point blank, “What is the difference between Continental liberalism, English liberalism, and Old Whiggism?
One cannot fathom what type of psychological impact this would have on any of us, but few people can withstand that kind of pointed aggression for very long. We have tried to get a statement from professor Chomsky but it is extremely difficult to get around his schedule of naps.
Donald Trump’s Hair was spotted considering options to leave the administration yesterday outside the Mar-a-Lago estate in Palm Beach, Fl., as the president was exiting his limousine.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, a source close to the Donald’s Hair (who denies he is a comb) said that the Hair had been considering his options for some time, but didn’t expect to be caught considering them in public.
It remains unclear what opportunities the former president’s Hair would have in the global marketplace, but rumors have been circulating about a merger with Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.
Sources close to both Bezos and the Hair have confirmed that there has been mutual admiration between them for some time, although other interested parties were reported to be Goldmann Sachs Chairman Lloyd Blankfein.
However, in a statement released earlier today, Blankfein said that he is only interested in speculating on the potential merger between Bezos and the Hair, not in donning the coif himself.
French President Emmanuel Macron has offered the Hair a spacious flat in downtown Paris where it can consider its options. As Macron has a full head of hair already, it is uncertain what his motivations are, but sources close to Macron say the Hair is very concerned about the impact of climate change and, more specifically, the impact of high humidity on hair strands and frizz control in general.
Although sources say any immediate move is unlikely, the Hair is known to be unruly and unpredictable, like the president himself. “We haven’t had a president’s Hair this unruly since Andrew Jackson,” said one Washington insider. “A guy like Bannon or Kushner leaving, that would be bad enough, but the Hair? The Hair would be devastating.”
We ask the readers, what impact might the Hair’s departure have on the Trump administration?
In perhaps her most stunning show of support to date, former Secretary of State and Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton drew dozens of supporters into a packed hotel room at the Four Seasons in Manhattan, NY.
Although many of those who attended were media pundits, Wall Street CEOs and corporate lobbyists, at least one third were actual people who supported her positions on fracking, trade, private prisons and regime change.
Madam Prissy Duffwhite, heiress to the throne of Yorkshire, said, “She is clearly the most lavish and sophisticated of the lot.” (Although the heiress cannot legally vote in the U.S. her political connections are well established)
And even blue collar workers attended the gala, including Joan Krawferd, a 67 year old secretary for the law firm of Covington & Burling, in Washington, D.C., who said, “I just want to keep my job.”
While the media snapped photos, makeup and lighting crews worked overtime to present Hillary Clinton as a human being before she spoke about income inequality and the need for the media to do more about dismissing it. “It’s time for the (ruling elite) to quash this movement once and for all,” she said, including, “England’s monarchs never had to work this hard.”