Unrelenting in his arguments against Doug Jones’ win being certified, failed Senate candidate and child predator Roy Moore requested a judge to overturn the final certification of his election defeat, citing the claim that the black voter turnout should only count as three fifths of the total number.
“Call me old-fashioned but I’m a strict Constitutionalist,” Moore told reporters, “and according to the compromises enacted by the Constitutional Convention of 1787, otherwise known as the three-fifths clause, blacks in a state should only be counted as three-fifths the number of white inhabitants of a state. If you take that into consideration, I actually won.”
Alabama Circuit Judge Johnny Hardwick denied Moore’s motion to vacate, or overturn, the court’s previous ruling. Moore was last seen riding his horse Sassy to the local mall dressed like a cowboy. His wife could not be reached for comment.
Amid a flurry of sexual abuse allegations, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell has been accused by a number of turtles, tortoises and terrapins of sexual misconduct. As of today McConnell denies the allegations. “These allegations are false,” he told reporters. “Every relationship I have ever had with a turtle was strictly professional, or with their consent.”
However, several turtles have rejected that claim. “He was always trying to get into my shell,” said one terrapin, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “He’d talk about my shell, the shape of my plates, and especially the pygal.”
A tortoise who had previously worked behind the scenes with McConnell in the House, alleges that he physically assaulted her. “We were going over some legislation in his office,” she said, “when he suddenly climbed onto the back of my shell and whispered ‘tax cuts for the rich’. I almost threw up in my snapper.”
Minority leader Nancy Pelosi joined other democrats in calling for an investigation. “If these allegations are true,” she said, “he should resign immediately.” When asked if she believed the Majority leader or the turtles, she replied, “I believe the turtles, yes.”
Early this morning president Trump injected himself into the matter. “This is just another political hit job by the loser democrats,” tweeted the president. “I’ve been with hundreds of turtles and every one of them liked it. If they say they didn’t they’re lying.”
Other accusers have requested to remain anonymous…
UPDATE! Shocking photo leaked to press!! (Warning: viewer discretion is advised)
McConnell has not returned our requests for further comment.
Amid a wave of scandals involving rape, sexual assault and harassment, famed linguistics and world affairs professor Noam Chomsky of MIT has been accused by three women of harassment.
Nora Whitmeyer, a former student and subsequent librarian in the linguistics department, reported that Chomsky repeatedly whispered the phrase, “If we don’t believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don’t believe in it at all.”
Abigail Summers also reported that the professor repeated phrases in her ear, including, “Case by case, we find that conformity is the easy way, and the path to privilege and prestige; dissidence carries personal costs.”
They said it drove them insane.
A third woman, who requested anonymity, stated that in 1955, when Chomsky was only an assistant professor, stopped her in the library and asked point blank, “What is the difference between Continental liberalism, English liberalism, and Old Whiggism?
One cannot fathom what type of psychological impact this would have on any of us, but few people can withstand that kind of pointed aggression for very long. We have tried to get a statement from professor Chomsky but it is extremely difficult to get around his schedule of naps.
Donald Trump’s Hair was spotted considering options to leave the administration yesterday outside the Mar-a-Lago estate in Palm Beach, Fl., as the president was exiting his limousine.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, a source close to the Donald’s Hair (who denies he is a comb) said that the Hair had been considering his options for some time, but didn’t expect to be caught considering them in public.
It remains unclear what opportunities the former president’s Hair would have in the global marketplace, but rumors have been circulating about a merger with Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.
Sources close to both Bezos and the Hair have confirmed that there has been mutual admiration between them for some time, although other interested parties were reported to be Goldmann Sachs Chairman Lloyd Blankfein.
However, in a statement released earlier today, Blankfein said that he is only interested in speculating on the potential merger between Bezos and the Hair, not in donning the coif himself.
French President Emmanuel Macron has offered the Hair a spacious flat in downtown Paris where it can consider its options. As Macron has a full head of hair already, it is uncertain what his motivations are, but sources close to Macron say the Hair is very concerned about the impact of climate change and, more specifically, the impact of high humidity on hair strands and frizz control in general.
Although sources say any immediate move is unlikely, the Hair is known to be unruly and unpredictable, like the president himself. “We haven’t had a president’s Hair this unruly since Andrew Jackson,” said one Washington insider. “A guy like Bannon or Kushner leaving, that would be bad enough, but the Hair? The Hair would be devastating.”
We ask the readers, what impact might the Hair’s departure have on the Trump administration?
In perhaps her most stunning show of support to date, former Secretary of State and Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton drew dozens of supporters into a packed hotel room at the Four Seasons in Manhattan, NY.
Although many of those who attended were media pundits, Wall Street CEOs and corporate lobbyists, at least one third were actual people who supported her positions on fracking, trade, private prisons and regime change.
Madam Prissy Duffwhite, heiress to the throne of Yorkshire, said, “She is clearly the most lavish and sophisticated of the lot.” (Although the heiress cannot legally vote in the U.S. her political connections are well established)
And even blue collar workers attended the gala, including Joan Krawferd, a 67 year old secretary for the law firm of Covington & Burling, in Washington, D.C., who said, “I just want to keep my job.”
While the media snapped photos, makeup and lighting crews worked overtime to present Hillary Clinton as a human being before she spoke about income inequality and the need for the media to do more about dismissing it. “It’s time for the (ruling elite) to quash this movement once and for all,” she said, including, “England’s monarchs never had to work this hard.”
It’s Not Just About the Presidency. As the political pundits take turns lambasting each other, and the Republicans and Democrats attack and blame each other, a very small group of people at the top of the economic ladder sit back and laugh.
On the day I turned eighteen I registered to vote as an Independent, and not once have I ever considered changing my mind. Recently, I was surprised to learn that a whopping 42% of Americans also identify themselves as Independents; far higher than either Democrats or Republicans on their own. And the trend is increasing:
Now, I’m not going to tell you to vote for Trump, or Clinton, or even Sanders. That would be a waste of time. My point is that the vast majority of Americans are totally disgusted with the establishment and they want change. Real change. So then, can we at least agree that many people had HOPE that Obama would deliver, and yet didn’t?
Now, we can blame the unprecedented amount of obstructionism in congress, or the Wall Street bailout and its influence in Washington, or even Obama himself. But the truth is that virtually every Senator and every House Representative spends the majority of their time getting campaign contributions for the next election cycle, and those contributions come from Wall Street, Big Oil, Big Pharma, Big Industry, and the Military Industrial Complex.
And We, the People, just don’t have any influence. But why?
WE DONT HAVE A LOBBY.
The American people don’t lobby representatives with CASH donations. So maybe we need to play the same game. The closest thing to a people’s lobby are unions, of course, but those are the same unions that Big Industry and Wall Street want to crush. So we should support them.
WE DONT VOTE.
47% of Americans did not vote in the last election; an embarrassing statistic for the world’s (supposed) greatest democracy. Are we confined to TV and couches? Your masters continue to hope so.
But what the fuck can we actually DO?
VOTE. THEM. OUT.
When we don’t vote these fucking clowns out of office, they just collect more and more money from special interests, and in that corruption cycle, they become harder and harder to get out. The irony. So then, VOTE THEM OUT! Don’t just go to the polls with a president in mind, look at the smaller fish. Who has your back? Who has a track record? Who’s a shill? Do some research!
If 100% of people get off their asses to go to work, the supermarkets, malls, bars, restaurants and movie theaters, then why don’t they go to vote? (And I mean YOU!)
Because poll locations and voting information is hard to find. You never hear the mainstream media advocating for local populations to go where, when, and how to vote. And for one very good reason: THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO. But why?
Because the more people know, the less control the Power Elite have over their lives. YOUR life.
FOCUS ON YOUR COMMUNITY.
We all have ideas about who should be the next president, but it’s far more important in the long run to control the House, Senate, and your local representatives. Democracy begins at home, and we exact Change from the ground up. Presidential elections are important, but they are also a distraction from who will ultimately vote for the proposed legislation that will affect your lives.
Then what’s to stop us?
The vast majority of Americans are completely ignorant about what’s actually going on, and rely on the mainstream media for information. However, the mainstream media’s MAIN PURPOSE is to provide DISINFORMATION. Therefore, the only hope to regain REAL DEMOCRACY is to spread the truth to your friends and family, and anyone who will listen. You will be confronted with opposition, disbelief, and even scorn. No worries, it’s ok. Don’t give up! There is only one planet, one people, and one chance to save it. So keep the faith and keep on keeping on.
But what about the President?
I won’t inject my personal opinion, but will say this; that the ONLY way to effect real change and give the power back to the People is to elect someone who you feel has the message that BRINGS ALL OF US TOGETHER. Whoever you feel cares about the Middle Class, the working families who make up the vast majority of our country. Someone who is not divisive but inclusive. Someone with a track record that you can rely on. Someone who has not flip flopped over the years. Someone who is not interested in their own profit but the benefit of the general population. The choice is yours, and GOOD LUCK!
OK, so now everybody’s talking about me and Pope Francis. He insults me. He says I’m not Christian. What can I say? He’s all talk, no action. And you know this talk is coming from special interests. You don’t think he has special interests? I have no special interests. The fact is, the pope is just not smart, he’s a bad negotiator. He’s a low energy pope. A total lightweight. He wears his bathrobe to get the newspaper in the morning. How does that look to the world? It’s embarrassing.
So look, I’m just gonna come right out and say it: I’d be a great pope, I’d be a much better pope than Pope Francis. A poll just came out and it says that I’m tied with him, I’m tied with the pope. How can I be tied with this guy? He’s weak on immigration, he’s weak on jobs. He’s a loser. In the private sector he couldn’t even get a job. I mean, who would hire him? What does he do really? He wears a robe around everywhere. That’s not effective, that’s just lazy. He’s a lazy pope. If I don’t become president, I’m going to run for pope. I’d build a bigger, and better wall around Vatican City. There won’t be any illegal immigrants in my castle… or whatever they call the pope’s house. No pope will be as great as me. I will be… the greatest Pope the world has ever seen. And tell you something else, I’ll build a Vatican casino in there, and it will be huge. Yuge. Very profitable. Look at all the pontiffs walking around there now; they’ve got nothing to do, and they’re rich. They’ve got gold, they’ve got jewels, and nowhere to spend it. So there’s going to be gambling, and it’s going to be great. We’re going to make the Vatican great again.
So picture this: The Trump Vatican Hotel & Casino… right? Am I right or what? It will be great. We’re going to use all the best people, and we’re going to make, the Vatican, great again!