Mitch McConnell Accused of Sexual Harassment


Mitch McConnell Accused of Sexual Harassment

Mitch McConnell

by Antenna Wilde

Amid a flurry of sexual abuse allegations, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell has been accused by a number of turtles, tortoises and terrapins of sexual misconduct. As of today McConnell denies the allegations. “These allegations are false,” he told reporters. “Every relationship I have ever had with a turtle was strictly professional, or with their consent.”

However, several turtles have rejected that claim. “He was always trying to get into my shell,” said one terrapin, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “He’d talk about my shell, the shape of my plates, and especially the pygal.”

A tortoise who had previously worked behind the scenes with McConnell in the House, alleges that he physically assaulted her. “We were going over some legislation in his office,” she said, “when he suddenly climbed onto the back of my shell and whispered ‘tax cuts for the rich’. I almost threw up in my snapper.”

Minority leader Nancy Pelosi joined other democrats in calling for an investigation. “If these allegations are true,” she said, “he should resign immediately.” When asked if she believed the Majority leader or the turtles, she replied, “I believe the turtles, yes.”

Early this morning president Trump injected himself into the matter. “This is just another political hit job by the loser democrats,” tweeted the president. “I’ve been with hundreds of turtles and every one of them liked it. If they say they didn’t they’re lying.”

turtle4-scared
Psychiatrists and turtle experts agree that this is the expression of a turtle in shock

Other accusers have requested to remain anonymous…

UPDATE! Shocking photo leaked to press!! (Warning: viewer discretion is advised)

mcconnell-turtle-fuck1

McConnell has not returned our requests for further comment.

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Obama: REAL Change?


As the race for the White House heats up, I write another cliche opener.

As these jaded fingers tap away at my weary keyboard, I wonder if Obama’s really got a chance at this thing. Look at what’s at stake; a mighty chunk of control over the most powerful corporation in the world—the U.S. government. And now that he’s a real threat, Billary has joined forces with the GOP to knife this guy into oblivion. Obama offers hope and change, or, a hope FOR change. Because that’s what we’re really doing, hoping things will change.

Now you may say, “But people are out there in the streets, fighting the good fight… fighting for change and not just hoping.” This is true, but look at Ron Paul. By all accounts, he had what it took to be a leading candidate (Yes, he’s a bit goofy, but barring that…) he raised the most $ of any Republican candidate; had a grass roots following based on populist views like nationalism, ending the war and cutting government into bite-sized morsels, and he supported the Constitution. Shocking. The media ignored him—of course—because it was in Daddy Warbuck’s best interest.

But then why does Obama get the coverage? He’s a well spoken figure of change with an interesting life story? Sure, there’s a story, but would he have been given the CHANCE to be a story if he wasn’t willing to play ball in the first place? What I like about him IS his inexperience. Because he’s that less likely to have turned to the Dark Side already. I know we all want something to believe in, but I don’t think Pfizer, Johnson& Johnson or General Electric are too worried. Or are they?

There’s two possibilities I see here, 1: Obama is full of it, nothing of real significance will change. 2: He’s serious about change, which means a) Diebold, Skull and Bones and the powers that be will “fix” election day and put McCain in there (if he’s still walking by then). b) he’ll be assassinated before he has a chance. c) he’ll be assassinated after he gets into office. d) Big Brother is monitoring this blog.

Let’s be honest, we can’t REALLY have change, that would be revolution… real revolution with mayhem in the streets: a full-blown police state (not just the regular wiretapping and email monitoring for insider profits). No friends, I mean “release the hounds” kind of police state, because if you think the military industrial complex is going to forget about 630 billion dollars a year, or that Disney won’t mind paying a fair tax rate on 31 billion dollars a year, or Goldman Sachs on their 90 billion a year; just take a vacation and don’t come back.

I’m for profit, but when a Washington insider like Goldman Sachs has a net income increase of 84% in a single quarter, (http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qn4158/is_20050921/ai_n15361131) I’m reminded of what my Grandpa used to say, “Don’t piss on my head and tell me it’s raining.” And yeah, Goldman Sachs gives $ to Obama, Clinton and McCain. Somebody tell me it’s different… please?

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