With rapidly falling cases around the world, Pfizer is rushing to get their latest vaccine approved: FetuVax: the covid vaccine for unborn fetuses. A spokesman from Pfizer said that FetuVax is 100% safe and effective, and there is only a 42% chance that it is not 100% safe and effective. “We’ve reduced the amount of the vaccine to be appropriate for the weight of an average fetus,” said Blaine Prigly, a community college dropout and one of the scientists who helped develop FetuVax quickly before the pandemic ends. “The best part is that even though FetuVax contains a much smaller dose, the cost is exactly the same as the adult vaccines.”
Ripp Oftenly, current member of the FDA and former Pfizer lobbyist, said the rush to approve the drug had nothing to do with the fact that it is entirely unnecessary. “From a shareholder’s perspective, getting this to the market before Moderna comes out with their own version of a fetal vaccine is priority number one. Advertising is number two.”
Fetal advocacy groups slammed the decision at a press briefing, stating that the trial results were not made public and there is not enough information to approve FetuVax so early. Lorraine Swift, Director of PETOF (People for the Ethical Treatment of Fetuses) stated, “Pfizer has pushed back the release of their testing data to 2095. By that time these fetuses will be senior citizens, if they even make it that far.”
“Well that’s just a losing attitude, isn’t?” Replied Oftenly. “Every time we try and help a fetus, PETOF cries wolf. You have to consider the extraordinary logistics involved in an operation like this,” he said. “For example we had to create new, extra long syringes just to reach the fetuses in utero. That’s an extra expense for the taxpayers who funded this project, and I think it would be irresponsible for Pfizer to not at least make a profit off it.”
Swift shot back, “What about potential adverse reactions to the vaccine?” Oftenly replied, “And what if the fetus gets covid, how will it cough? A fetus can’t cough, and that’s a problem. And what about a runny nose, how are we going to get tissues into the womb? We can’t have millions of fetuses with covid-infected noses dripping into uteruses. For a fetal advocacy group, you don’t seem to be advocating for fetuses very well.”
This article is being updated as new information arrives.
Antenna Wilde 