Banana Leaf Tamales: A Letter to the Chef

Dear Chef,

I tried very hard to control myself, managing only to leave the house before devouring all but the last of those delicious, banana leaf tamales, which only got better as they sat in the fridge overnight, longing to be consumed. I even tried to eat the leaves themselves, as they were calling to me, or perhaps it was the hungry gnome who lives in my stomach (he also likes, and requires, tequila). Please tell me what corn paste, chicken/chili foodstuffs you need to create more and I will buy them immediately. I know you are busy this weekend, but sometime soon thereafter—and before I wrap a towel around my head and explosives to my chest, demanding tamales in retribution for… uh… for a lack of tamales, that is—could we make more? And when I say could I mean, really, God damn it, we need more fucking tamales! —sorry, that was the gnome, not me. ANY hoo, back to the tamales; would it be possible to make a few more, when convenient; and by more I mean many, and by convenient I mean, as in ASAP? I could be an assistant of some kind, in a bartender-like capacity perhaps, or at least a dishwasher thereafter. We could videotape the event and post it on uTube, and then, when you’re famous like Martha Stewart (minus the whole tax-evasion/sent-to-jail “thing”) I could receive a stipend for my services, in the form of seven tamales a day, for example. Why seven? I don’t know, seven came to mind… but then again, how about nine? Alright, great, it’s settled: nine tamales in exchange for a uTube video of you making tamales,—and of me then eating the tamales, I think that would be fabulous. I’m pretty sure there’s a Top Chef on the horizon here… so then, what else… there was something else… did I mention the tamales?

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

The Real Story of Saint Valentine

You may already know that the story behind St. Valentine’s Day is precarious at best, and I think we have all asked ourselves, at some point in our lives, Who was Valentine, and why was he the cause of so much trouble? Some say we celebrate Valentine’s Day because Claudius the Second started beheading Roman priests for marrying Christians, while others simply attribute it to the writings of Chaucer in the fourteenth century. But none of these people know about the very real and politically active Valentine living in Brussels during the late thirteenth century; Baron Archibald Fellini Valentine.

Baron Archibald Fellini Valentine, or “Val” to his closest friends, became deeply immersed in the Sexual Renessance that was taking place in Belgium at the time. Repression of the Christian faith had caused an adverse reaction among the people, and soon wild stories began to circulate about the raw and unpredictable sex-capades taking place in bathhouses after hours. Through external forces Valentine was thrust into the heart of these sex-capades, although his politics, personality and endowment alone were enough to catapult him to historical infamy.

Valentine was very well-hung, in fact, and it was said that he once lifted a full-grown pumpkin—still on the vine—with a powerful erection one night outside of Rodderdam.
Rumors circulated, the press became involved, and at some point during a cunnilingus competition/tea-bagging festival on the 14th of February, 1381, he was arrested for buggery with a Llama. Although there was no specific law against buggery with a Llama in 1381 Belgium, Valentine was imprisoned by the Duke of Burgundy, Philip the Bold.

Legend has it that Valentine’s execution was ordered to take place one year from the date of the offense, February 14th, and the Duke himself was there to witness. The Duke was a suspected homosexual and evidence suggests that he was jealous of Valentine’s sexual freedom and massive love muscle, prompting him to—at the moment of Valentine’s beheading—hold a chalice under the flow of blood in hopes of somehow obtaining some of Valentine’s favorable attributes. Many believe this is where we get the robust flavor of burgundy wine.

So there it is. And now that you know the truth, remember to celebrate this Valentine’s Day in the way it was intended; by having a gay Duke drink the blood of a lubricious priest in hopes of getting invited to an orgy, or growing a big dick, or both. Chocolates are optional, the red wine essential.
:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

Fran Dreshner Eyes Hillary Clinton’s Senate Seat

Gross

Seriously, she wants it. Stuff me in a closet wrapped in duct tape, heat up a bag of llama shit and shovel it over me till I puke.  I’d rather see her team up with Gary Coleman—you know, the fuck-tard from Different Strokes—and make the most annoying porno ever before having to hear those horrendous vocal chords snotting through a microphone in the US Senate, “Aehhhh…. yeaaaaaaha, I’d like to make eh motion, eeaahh.”

Job Hunting is Easy

Recently I’ve been spending a LOT of time on Craigslist, trying to find a little part time work to supplement my income (something that pays more than 3.50 an hour and free day-old baguettes). Sometimes I find a post that sparks my interest, like this one:

Mascot Performer – Scuba Sam

Aquarium of the Bay’s Scuba Sam mascot is a male scuba diver, and the costume has built-in robotics that allows the performer to speak. If you are a guy who enjoys working with kids and being the center of attention, try out for Scuba Sam.

This job is right for you if you are:
- Friendly, energetic & outgoing
- Reliable & team-oriented
- Physically fit (you will be constantly on the move)
- Between 5′7 & 6′ tall (to fit in the costume)
- A person who enjoys working outside on the waterfront

Send cover letter and resume with “Scuba Sam Mascot” in the subject line.

* Location: Aquarium of the Bay at Pier 39
* Compensation: DOE

I got really excited and wrote the perfect letter to land the job:

11/12/08

Hello,

My name is Antenna and I’m applying to be your mascot, Scuba Sam. I understand the job description is to wear a scuba costume with built-in robotics that allows me to walk around talking to people. I’m not a scuba diver, but I don’t need to actually know scuba diving equipment because Sam is never in the water, correct? If so, this is the perfect job for me. I know you asked for a resume, but I think after you read this, there won’t be any doubts about my qualifications. My only question is regarding the compensation, which said: DOE or “Depends On Experience.”

Now I’m sure there’s a truck-load of guys out there experienced in walking around on dry land in talking robotic scuba suits, so I’m not sure what my chances are. I’m an excellent swimmer, but it seems that you’re just looking for guys who have experience walking around in scuba suits, and particularly those who are experienced in talking through a robotic voice amplifier while doing so? With the economy in shambles and all, I’m sure there’s plenty of experienced robot-like scuba divers looking for work at this very moment, and so I was wondering how I could fudge my resume’ in order to score big on the pay. At first I thought of telling you that, for the past four years on Halloween, I’ve worn a walking, talking, robot-like scuba diving costume, and that I’m probably the most experienced dry-land robotic scuba guy currently on the market in San Francisco. But my great grandmother (The Great Edna G. H. F. McGoodery) told me as a wee child, “Just be yourself.” Therefore I’ll go down your list to see if this job is right for me:

“Friendly, energetic & outgoing” —check
“Reliable & team-oriented” —check (especially with teams at giant aquariums)
“Physically fit” — Well, there seems to be a large chicken burrito that lodged itself in my lower colon, right around the belly-button area. I believe it happened sometime over the holidays last year, but I think I could sweat it out in that scuba suit. Give me two weeks.
“You will be constantly on the move” —check (I’m actually walking around my apartment while I type this —wearing a football helmet, incidentally— for practice)
“Between 5′7 & 6′ tall” —No, unfortunately I’m 6′ 1″ Damn! But wait, I could probably lose an inch if I shaved my head? I would also consider having a segment of my shins removed. So there, it’s settled. Now what’s left? Ah yes, “a person who enjoys working outside on the waterfront.”

I love working on the waterfront! Just call me Marlon Brando. Better yet, call me Scuba Sam. I’ll need 22 bucks an hour and a bowl of soup—clam chowder—when my shift is over. You know I think this will be really great, and kids love me by the way, so do their parents. I’m also quite knowledgeable in matters of the sea. I Tivo the Discovery Channel, own a copy of When Sharks Attack! and read Hemingway every chance I get. So I think it would behoove Aquarium of the Bay to hire me immediately. It may not behoove you, but I just love saying ‘behoove’ whenever possible. There’s just one more thing. Like Hemingway, I too am a raging alcoholic and would need to drink heavily on the job. Could we attach some kind of beer helmet on Scuba Sam’s head? The beer could go right in through the snorkel without raising suspicion, and I could wear a catheter or fashion some kind of “cock-hose” to pee in, as I imagine going tinkle isn’t easy for Sam. Is that why the last guy left? Anyway, back to my drinking. It’s best for me to start with a little whiskey at least a half hour before getting suited up, as we wouldn’t want Scuba Sam to get irritable, would we? Other than that I have no pre-conditions. I look forward to hearing back from you and will be checking my email over the next 72 hour drinking binge, which began shortly after reading your Craigslist post.

Sincerely,

Antenna Wilde

PS: I actually want an interview

So that’s it, there it is. I figured they’d appreciate my sense of humor and hire me, or at least have me in for an interview, no? I’m never sure of the odds on these things, but what do you think my chances are?

UPDATE: As of 12/08/08, Aquarium at the Bay has not returned my email. What the fuck?

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

.

Flittery Glitters!

Flittery Glitters!
by Antenna Wilde

I was hit in the face by a fish today. It’s true! I was swimming in the Gulf of Mexico, minding my own business, trying to catch the occasional bodysurf when a strange fluttering emerged from the sea. The first cluster was spread out like a mini-van, approaching from 10 yards away, then exploding in unison, arching themselves from the water in silvery glitters. A man behind me yelled, “Did you see those fish?”
“Yeah!” I said, turning in surprise. But when I turned back, another strange fluttering came, until the surface was breached and more silver, glistening dive bombers shot out in rapid succession, lobbing themselves at me,—I turned—but was hit! The slippery weight of a wet fish bounced off my cheek before careening back into the ocean.

It was a mullet. I checked with one of the life guards—who had been hit himself once, long ago—and he assured me that it was indeed a mullet. Then for a brief moment I wished I was a redneck who had a mullet haircut. Then I wished that, not only did I have a mullet, but that the mullet who hit me had hit the mullet instead of my cheek. And then I wished the mullet had been caught in my mullet, because I could have taken him home and had him for lunch.

That truly would have been my lucky day! But alas, I sit here eating tuna fish, wondering if I should go back out there with my fishing pole. I don’t think I will ever go swimming in the ocean again without thinking of those flittery glitters; those silvery shimmers, launching at me in defense of their playground. Or perhaps it was a game: maybe they were playing—like the dolphins—because after all, how do we know what a fish is really thinking? So if the fish was being friendly—giving me a kiss, perhaps—then I shall name him Flitter. Flitter the Mullet.

NEW UPDATE! Apparently flying fish are not uncommon, but I never thought they went THIS crazy!

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

Hooters : You Came for A Sandwich?

by Antenna Wilde

Honestly, I’ve walked into two Hooters in my life, and it was the same cluster of sad, drooling losers trying to act like they’ve come for something other than booty shorts and fake tits. “But hey, the GAME is on!” Anyway, I walked by a Hooters last night—and yes, I had to peer through the window for an ogle because, let’s face it; Hooters doesn’t hire fatties.

Now isn’t this just the poor man’s version of a strip club? (Where Hooters girls end up, incidentally, if they don’t make it to the Annual Bikini Finals.) Personally, I prefer strip clubs. There’s something authentic about a strip club: the girls are whores, the guys are horny. But more importantly, nobody’s trying to pretend that they came for a sandwich. Check out Hooters website. Ah yes, there’s nothing like eating a Hogie with a boner.

Wow, look at that sandwich back there! I can almost taste the… uh, what is that, ham? It could be smoked turkey… legs… yes… definitely legs. According to this advertisement, the Hooter’s formula is: Hot chick + “makes you happy” = (can you guess?) Oh yeah, they also have sandwiches.

And Hooters sponsors sporting events too, like the NGA Tour. That’s right, it’s The Hooters Classic! I don’t know about you, but when I think golf, I think Titties! It’s likely the event will increase your handicap, but then again, you might not care.

Neither does anyone else. I did a google search on Hooters and found this: “Hooters Girls: The Finalists – 19841 views – 0 comments”

It’s shocking really, that 19,841 people viewed the page and NOT ONE took the time to say anything. Not even, “Hey, nice tits!”

A lot of people think Hooters should be sued for only hiring hot chicks with big tits. And actually, they have been. But oddly enough, the biggest lawsuit settlement went to men, who wanted to be, uh… “Hooters boys”? Weird. And here’s something else weird: in the Hooters girl handbook, one of the conditions of employment requires Hooters Girls to sign a statement recognizing they may be victims of harassment: “I hereby acknowledge…the work environment is one in which joking and innuendo based on female sex appeal is commonplace.” So you could say that, making a “nice tits” comment is not only appropriate, but encouraged. So come on girls, just show us your tits, because who ever came for a sandwich?

: : : : : : : : : : :

Obama: More Gray than Black or White

by Antenna Wilde

Ever since Obama’s speech on 3/18/08, one segment keeps ringing in my brain:

“I have brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, uncles and cousins, of every race and every hue, scattered across three continents.”

Wow… even Eskimo? This guy is good; he’s genetically associated himself with every person on the planet—in just one sentence. I’m sure that nailed down the Siamese-twin and hermaphrodite vote as well. All he has to do is get those aliens from Area 54 registered, and he’s a shoe-in. I’d like to suggest the perfect running mate: Tiger Woods.

I’m kind of jealous, that’s all. I mean, I’m only English, Dutch, French and Scot (my Dad claims we’re Swedish too, but I think he just had a great vacation there). Maybe with the help of genetic engineering, I could infuse the rest of the races into my biological code—and throw in a dolphin, leopard and chimpanzee for posterity.

Obama, Clinton and McCain’s genealogies are here. Pretty weird, though interestingly enough, Obama has the most links to former presidents.

Now, if only we can get him to speak dolphin…

: : : : : : : : : : :

Geraldine Ferraro, Hillary Clinton Suffer Under “Black Advantage”

Obama Has FDR Charm

by Antenna Wilde

Geraldine Ferraro said, “If Barack Obama were a white man, would we be talking about this as a potential real problem for Hillary? If he were a woman of any color, would he be in this position that he’s in? Absolutely not!”

Perhaps she’s right; maybe a woman couldn’t possibly be running for president without some special, privileged assistance. And perhaps Ferraro isn’t a racist, just a realist. She was the first one to point out, remember, that she would never have been the 1984 VP nominee if she weren’t female. Because Ferraro knew; being a female VP nominee was a big advantage in 1984, just as being a black man running for president was in 1988, when she was quoted in the Washington Post, “If Jesse Jackson were not black, he wouldn’t be in the race.”

As it was true Jackson had the “black advantage,” we must remember that Obama is only half black, so there’s still hope for the Clinton camp. I mean, it would be much worse if he were, say… half black with three nipples and a club foot. Then even Cynthia McKinney would have to worry.

But Ferraro also knows that, although being a woman was a big advantage in 1984, in 2008 things are quite the contrary. On Super Tuesday she went into the polling booth in tears, speaking of Hillary, “It was tears [because] this woman has put herself out, and it is painful to watch how she’s being beaten up. And it’s only because she’s a woman. It was just a whole sense of the history, of her campaign, of my campaign. I’m not going to be around to see another woman run. I’m really not.”

Things were so much better in 1984. And that is why there is only one conclusion to draw from this whole “Obama ahead of Hillary” thing, which is that black men have more advantages than white women. How else would Obama have made it into the Senate while Ferraro herself failed to… twice? You see it’s not only because of sexism, but sexism AND racism. As Ferraro stated, “Racism works in two different directions. I really think they’re attacking me because I’m white. How’s that?”

How’s that? Well, that’s stupid. Racism doesn’t work in directions, it works like this; “Ferraro, you’re a racist.” Direction works like this, “Ferraro, go home and bury your head in a pillow.” Notice the difference? In any case, Clinton supporters need to look at the bright side—I mean, things could be worse. Obama may be black, and his middle name may be Hussein, and his parents may have come from a poor village in Kenya, but at least he’s not in a wheelchair. That would REALLY put Hillary at a disadvantage. Just look at FDR: when he ran for the presidency in 1932, his handicap was his greatest asset. Voters weren’t overly concerned with issues—same as today—but were more interested in electing someone with a disability.

Incumbent President Herbert Hoover failed to alert the public to this fact during the 1932 race and, unfortunately for the GOP, FDR won by a landslide 472 to 59. And it was indeed the handicap which enabled him to become our only President to serve more than two terms (four total). People may claim he did great things; creating the New Deal, the SEC FDIC and Social Security system to name a few, but these achievements were more likely the result of having a handicap.

And even though FDR led the country and the Allies to ultimate victory against Nazi Germany, and the economy at home reached full employment (which included providing new opportunities to women and African Americans) his success would not have been possible without the wheelchair. In fact, I would argue that the REAL reason Obama is in the position he is today, is BECAUSE of that blasted wheelchair.

Yes, Ferraro was right, and that is why we must fight vehemently against the “black man” including all ethnic, racial and religious minorities, the poor, the mentally AND physically handicapped, the lost, confused, estranged and any other “advantaged” people who pose a threat to the REAL dejected and prejudged faction of our society: rich, white, former First Ladies.

: : : : : : : : : : :

Movie Review: The Bucket List

A Movie Review
by Antenna Wilde

Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman star as two men with 6 months to live in The Bucket List; a movie directed by Rob Reiner, which would be better named, The Bucket of Shit List. That way, I wouldn’t have wasted my time downloading it illegally off the web. Sure, the movie was free, but that doesn’t mean I liked it. And in that respect I’m glad there’s piracy in the world.

You would think with two great actors like Nicholson and Freeman you’d have a decent shot at seeing a classic, but instead what you get is a laborious and unconvincing display of mediocrity—until the end, which wasn’t that bad. And when I say the end, I mean the last 5 minutes (which probably should have been the beginning to another, much better movie).

The screenplay seemed intent on showing how the characters relationship develops and the humanizing effect it had during their last days on earth, but instead we end up seeing two old guys acting like they wished Rob Reiner would hurry up and finish shooting the film already.

I kept wishing for that too. The best part was when I neglected to pause the DVD and farted my way into the kitchen to do the dishes; there, I daydreamed with the soapy sponge until I forget where I was, then remembered before meandering back to the show carrying a bowl full of beer nuts.

If I had to sum up the movie, I say: imagine Morgan Freeman’s character in The Shawshank Redemption buddying up with Nicholson’s character from About Schmidt, then listen to them both being sick in the next room while you’re sitting on the toilet; taking a Sunday afternoon shit with yesterday’s newspaper. It’s just about that interesting.

Hillary Clinton’s Affair with Barack Obama

Entertaining his Notion

Hillary says, “Bill owes me one.”
by Antenna Wilde

In a stunning twist of events, Hillary Clinton was caught “goosing” Barack Obama at a recent event. Sources close to Clinton say that she was turned on about her position as Secretary of State, but deny there has been any hanky panky. When asked about the goosing at a press gathering, the President-elect joked, “I think we’re finally getting along.” A comment which apparently irritated his wife Michelle, who, according to a Fox News reporter, “Made a comment in regards to ‘bitch-slapping’ the former First Lady.”

In an attempt to prevent Hillary from stealing the spotlight, former President Clinton officially invited Mrs. Obama to share a cigar. “They’re Cuban,” he winked. A barrage of criticism flooded the blogosphere, forcing a number of servers to temporarily shut down, and prompting Senator John McCain to make a statement, “This is exactly the kind of behavior (cough) the American people were offended by during Bill’s Presidency, (yawn) do we have to suffer through four years of this?” The senator then fell asleep in his chair.

Many pundits are speculating that Hillary will inevitably clash with Obama, while some insiders are reporting bickering over who should actually be President and who should be Secretary of State. “Obviously there’s a big difference between the two,” said Obama “and the American people have made it clear which position I am in.” Hillary replied that she was willing to entertain his notion, and suggested they try some “role playing … to see what course of action to take.”

: : : : : : : : : : :